sciron.org/blog

ed: After leaving this post ‘in the drawer’ (so to speak) for the past two years, I am finally going to rewrite a significant portion so that it carries some level of sophistication and poignancy….

Original Post Date: 20th December, 2004

—

For all the life that I appear to have lived, there is one moment in time which has shaped my destiny for the past 7 years and was the reason for quite a few hard-earned dollars being handed over to my local psychologist in an attempt to gain some clarity on the insides of my brain.

As you can probably guess, this defining moment was the loss my virginity… kind of ironic the one moment in my life where i’m supposed to be in awe, bewildered and dazzled that I would come so unstuck, hopelessly fall in love (for the first time) and start a journey that would see my heart torn out of me in a Woody Allen-esque sequence of inane suffering.

I know why I want to share this story with you, but i’m not going to share with you all the details. For all those who are close to me who think they know why i’m sharing, I can only assure you that i’m doing this for entirely selfless reasons in an attempt to qualify my feelings on a topic that dominates my life to this day.

I was 16.

Rebecca was a girl i’d met online (ed: this was a *long* time before Internet dating even existed) who self-described herself as sexually aware, an arts student and noted that the boys that she’d met thought she was ‘cute, in a french-italian way’ ….

…. She was never really that attractive …

I was fascinated by her. At no stage did I think that i’d actually meet her in person, I just fantasised about it. She was older than me and had seen the world in ways I couldn’t imagine.
Her life had been one of pain and suffering, drugs and alcohol. A brilliant mind shadowed by an uncanny ability for self-loathing and deprecation. I was smitten before I even knew what it was to be smitten.

Being in her company was thrilling, though I never really enjoyed her company as a person. I was in awe of her presence as an individual. I felt that I had a connection with her, and I was prepared to do anything for her. (ed: ever wanted to know why I’ve spent a lifetime putting girls on pedestals…).

She was living with her ex-boyfriend. I know where the house is and I lived only 2 minutes down the road there for some time with Kat. Strange how you find yourself back at the places you least expect.

It was never going to work.

I was young and wanted her attention, I wanted sex, I wanted what I didn’t know but couldn’t stop thinking about. And I was prepared to do whatever it took to get there.

So we talked, and she told me stories of the life that she lived, how she changed her name and escaped a violent and drug-fuelled existence. Of how much of this is true, i’ll never really know. Even though I was spiraling out of control and in her world, I didn’t care. For a boy who had lived a life of relative privilege, never doing without, never missing out, I was fascinated in a dark sense of those who had suffered and earned their way. I felt jaded and disconnected from the world. I had the perfect life but was never popular, never wore the trendy clothes, never had the cool friends.

I hated myself.

She is the first girl I went down on. It was awful. Thankfully at a later stage (next girl) I was to realise that most girls maintain far better care of themselves and that my repulsive experience wasn’t a mainstain of all foreplay. But I did it, I did it for her. I did it for me.

I remember going into the city, me in my jeans and t-shirt, looking barely 16 and a half. Rebecca in her black, catching the glimpses of the passers-by, a loser, an arts student, a nobody. But I didn’t care, she was the girl I had fallen in love with. It didn’t matter who she was, I was in love.

….

We were riding the train home that afternoon and I just knew that it was going to happen, and she knew it was going to happen. It was as if the world had changed completely. The air smelt different and world moved slowly, defiantly and valiantly toward my sexual awakening. It was as if the entire universe had planned this moment and I was simply along to fulfill my part of a destined path.
We laughed and joked and I knew that it was going happen. I was going to have sex. She laughed at me before we did, laughed when we were in the city.

I lied and told her that I could get into nightclubs. I’d never been near one in my life, and even if I had, i’d be the first person caught out.

I lied because I wanted her to love me. I lied because I wanted to feel the suffering. I lied because I hated my life.

We got back to her place and she stripped my clothes off, and we had sex (me on the bottom). I don’t know how long it lasted for, but i’m sure it wasn’t long at all. I was stunned and excited, and it felt completely different to anything i’d ever known, and it was to be the start of a frightful journey into a world that I still try to understand and fight on a constant basis.

When I came I was jubilant and I felt love and compassion in a way that I couldn’t explain to you, even to this day. I’m sure for all of you who’ve crossed that line you know what it’s like.

Then it started to go wrong.

Her face turned from happiness to anxiety to fear to torture to tears…… tears of pain and misery and suffering, tears that I couldn’t interpret, tears while she huddled in the bathtub mumbling apologies about not wanting to ruin my life. Foolishly at the time I tried to tell her that I loved her, tried to comfort her, when in my world I was spiraling at a rapid rate, feeling shamed and disgraced at my actions. I had made this girl cry, I had intruded *into her body* and I had left an unreversable mark on her body, and on her soul.

I was the cause of her tears, I was the cause of her pain, I was at fault.

Terrified and excited and shamed and angry that I had caused such pain, I didn’t know what to think. Before I got a chance to evaluate she was out of the shower, she apologised and kissed me. Laughed as if it wasn’t a problem.

I will never forget the way she looked at me in those moments for the rest of my life. Those tears haunt my dreams, they haunt me when I get near a woman, haunt me when I want to be close and cause me to lash out and retract at a woman’s touch.

My endless battle began on that day.

—

Three days later she broke it off with me. I lashed out and punched the wall. I cried… I howled and I hated her for making me so miserable. She was the love of my life dammit! .. how could she do this to me, and how was I going to live without her in my life…..

—

Fast forward 7 years and my life had not significantly changed. I have been in situations for which I hold too many regrets. To this day I find it difficult to marry the symbiosis of anger, fear, anxiety and lust that seems to endless drive me in my love and in my life.

Now in english…

When I meet a girl these days, I place her on a pedestal above the world and beyond contestation. I make her life my life and my world and I make her the impossible princess.

Problem is that it’s not real. I really hold people *so close* to me that I am, in reality, pushing them away as fast as I can. Those who break through the exterior are usually so far beyond what I want in a girl, but i’m impressed by the fact that they break down my barriers. All of them have satisfied an urge of my personality.

The sex goddess, the stripper, the whore, the mother, the artist, the level-head, the bachelorette. And none of them work out, but I hold them all responsible for the way they make me feel.

And then one day my world comes crashing down when I realise i’ve forgotten, once again, who I actually am in this equation.

—

An event in my life occurred that snapped me back to reality. Sent me packing to do something with my life and finally get my shit together. And day-by-day I have taken the task upon myself to work out what’s going on in my head. This is a small part of that journey.

Today I am better. I have a more realistic understanding of who I am and what I represent in the world. I no longer have people in my life who are going to fuck me beyond all recognition, or at least I try to keep them to a minimum. I am not perfect, I do not have a perfect soul. I have made mistakes, I am ashamed of many parts of me. I cannot change my past.

But for the next time that you think you know me, think you can understand why i’m overly nice, why I’m overly cheery, why I give that vibe that I want everyone in my life to be close to me. You can now take a step back and realise that nobody has ever really been close to me, but i’m working at it. I’m taking the steps to let people in, taking the steps to show the world that i’m reformed. Taking the steps to show me that i’m reformed.

My blog is my journey of my world. It will encompass almost nothing of what’s in my heart, and mostly of what’s in my head. You see only a small subsection of the thought processes that occur. I don’t do this to be withholding, just sometimes I can’t explain why I do what I do.

—

For those that I have cheated on, hurt, cut lunches, annoyed, upset and angered over the years, this is a small part of my apology. I cannot change my past but I am learning to understand my actions. I will not ask your forgiveness for I know better than anyone that I deserve nothing of it. I am only writing this to myself to help me understand, maybe one day I’ll forgive myself for the mistakes i’ve made. Who knows about everyone else.

It takes a strong man to grow into the person he really wants to be, i’m working on taking that journey.

With that in mind I know that this journey will take a lifetime to complete and an age to understand. For those that have shared it with me today, I thank you. For those who will share it with me in the future, I applaud you. Love is something that most people think comes easy for me, but i’m still learning to share it.

So when i’m strange or distant or emotional or angry for no reason, take a step back to realise that this is all new for me. I usually get upset or become quiet when i’m scared. And i’m scared because I don’t know how to deal with people reacting normally to normal situations.

I’m still expecting you to curl up in the bathtub and cry about how you’ve ruined my life………

With love
Adam

———-

2006 Update:

It’s funny looking back on that post and seeing where I was attempting to head and how the (very real) pain of that day 12 years ago still permeates in my system.

I am a lot better now. I have let people get close and I have loved, truly loved, and lost, and now I am a better person for it. I’m still following through on some of the items. I still need to be better to friends, still need to set proper boundaries rather than keeping people in my life who pander to my needs when I give nothing in return.

I still talk too much!

On the other hand, I lost something along the way as well in the past couple of years. I stopped talking. And by talking, I mean really talking, sitting down with friends and loved ones and family and ‘talking’. Talking about life, talking about love, motivations, fears, goals, relationships, friends and just the simple things in life.

Sydney is an amazing place, though I can see in many ways how i’ve let it take the part of me that throws out ideas to the world and sees what the reaction is. In Sydney success is an expectation and I find myself a very small fish in a very large dam. In some ways I feel like a fish that is drowning.

Let’s see how this year goes..

A

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

2006, “Just like 2004…. but i’m older”

If I could categorise 2006 that would probably be it in a nutshell. In 2005 I became single and started the process of making and instituing some significant changes. Two years on i’m actually pleased to say that I have made progress on many of those items on the wishlist, whereas others continue to evade me it seems….

So, in a nutshell:

- I became single. Hurts like hell but the right thing for both of us to do.
- I got fit, really fit. Decided that running some half marathons would be fun (and it was)
- I decided that just running and going the gym was cutting myself short. So now i’m getting a new toy bike to go riding
- I had a great year with work, saw a great pay rise and knocked over more projects with less staff than I have in my entire career. I spent on average of $50k a week on IT equipment alone and knocked over 55 site builds in 52 weeks. Not very exciting if you’re not a PM, however if you are you should be impressed by now *smile*
- Financially i’m still not 100% but I am saving consistently now and I have swiped off a huge segment of debt. And the toys i’m about to buy I actually have the cash for, which is nice. By the end of *this* year i’m hoping to be debt free (we’ll see)
- Friends continue to come and go, I continue to piss people off at exactly the same rate that I seem to attract others. C’est la vie.
- Celebrated my 18 month anniversary of living with my housemate, and things are better than ever.
- Yes, i’m still a wanker…

In a little more depth:

This year I continued to face a lot of my demons and came to accept that there is one inevitable truth in my life: I like drama…. drama, drama, drama

I have no idea where it comes from. I’ve had a normal life, i’ve had a great upbringing, I don’t have anyone else in my family who isn’t balanced but i’ve got this thing with turning my life into a human pretzel and making things at every stage far more interesting than they need to be.
But hey, at least it makes for great reading on my blog (that is, when I actually write what’s going on in my head!)

Not really the thing that I was hoping to realise, but one, for better or for worse, that I do need to come to terms with and i’m not really sure what i’m to do with the info… yet…

I started drinking again. Temporarily at least (i’m stopping after the new years break… honest). But now I keep it in context a lot more than I have previously. I seem to have gained some sense of balance while allowing myself to be a total nutter in other items. Replacing drinking with sports does appear to have had a positive impact (i’m not dying and i’m fit kinda helps).

I took my first overseas holiday. The beautiful islands of New Zealand dragged me away for 3 weeks of fun and frivolity and I pushed myself mentally and physically beyond what even I thought was normal behavioural patterns. I met some fantastic people and
Contiki holidays are just the most amazing experience if you are young, want to meet great people and push your body to the outer limits of sleep deprivation, liver punishment and overall ‘fun’ factor.
What makes your trip though is always the people, and i’m happy to say that the group mentality was just perfect for my type-a, management-focused, slightly-insane brain type

I listed to my parents more this year. I didn’t argue with them when they told me some home truths, I was slightly more accepting of my universe and I realised that they know more about me that I even know.

My brother and his wife are about to have a baby. I can tell you now that this occassion has inspired me to the realisation that I *don’t* want to have a baby!

I’m really fucking glad i’m not saying i’m turning 30 next year, but what the hell, i’m getting there….

Happiness is definitely a work in progress…..

So what about next year?

Next year I want to:

- Do Triathalons. Lots of them. (or maybe even just a few so I know I can pull it off)
- More gym, more fitness, more sweat, more pain, more fun (yes, I do associate the pain of gym as being fun, don’t ask)
- I don’t think I want to ‘meet’ anyone. I’m pretty sure i’m just going to take my body for a little bit of a spin after an appropriate cooling down period (4-6 months) and see if I can’t actually have some fun with all the hard work that i’ve put in.
- I’m hiring more staff, so my role grows from ‘regular’ to ‘senior’ – Which will be a challenge as if some youngster wants to mold themselves off my life, then I have nothing by sympathy for them
- I’m going to keep living with my housemate, i’m going to keep catching up with my friends, i’m going to keep being me

Thanks goes to:

- Kath: For being beautiful and an amazing influence on my life. Even though we’re not together she has seen sides of me that nobody really knows about. For the time I spent with her I am eternally grateful. I do hope in time we can become great friends.

- Eve: hahahha, just for being fucking persistent with my stubborn ass

- My Mates: For not bailing on me even when I had to get my shit together (read: not see anyone for nearly 6 months while I worked my ass off at gym…)

- My Parents: For just being the one rock in my universe. For being my home, my world, my light and my sounding board, and not in any of the ways that people think they are.

- Everyone else: You are all the most important because I can’t think of you right now. Which in reality means that you’ve been there for me countless times and never asked for my thanks and never questioned who or what the hell i’ve been doing. For all of you i’m eternally grateful.

Loving all your work
Adam

p.s – the ‘RCx’ means revision number.. expect this to change over the coming days….

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

Reverse chronological order…. (last updated:23/12/2006) (ed: two years on … *sigh*)

Kath
Radiant, compassionate, engaging

One lives in the hope that every girlfriend (or partner) is ‘better’ than the last. One tries to grow and change and adapt to find someone that they (hope) will be ‘the one’. I can categorically and honestly say that the last two years I have found a most amazing person in Kath. She is wise, gifted, patient, honest and generally a beautfiful human being. Without doubt the most normal, level-headed, well mannered, proportioned and beautiful person that I know in my world.

She has inspired me to 20kgs of weight loss, has been there through the worst period of my employed life, seen me through the highs and lows of a personality that craves drama and been committed and decadent when most people would run and hide.

Truly a beautiful mind, a wise soul, beautiful friends, amazing family, transient and addictive smile. I will miss her sense of love, honesty, judgement, tenacity, patience more than I can ever convene on these pages. She is the person closest to me by knowing things about me that I don’t even understand and she has seen the polar opposites of my world.

I am truly indebted to have met her, I hope in my heart of hearts that we remain friends and my absolute priority is to ensure that she has the love, companionship and support she requires while we transition from partners to friends.

I will miss her.

Jen
Beautiful, sassy, passionate

Jen and I have had quite a journey to get where we are now. We became very close and I loved being with her.She is amazingly gifted, incredibly intelligent and balances a great deal of energy, integrity and humour to carry herself through both bad times and good. Prone to being honest at all counts, she can do anything she sets her mind to.My hope is that she will go on to take on the world. She needs somebody who can support her without judging her. Applying even a small level of Jen’s talent in the right direction will ensure she achieves an enormous level of success.

Leanne

Cute, intelligent, wise beyond her years.

Leanne saw through me from day one, and although I didn’t see it, she always seemed to know what was going on.

I hope that she leaves this place and pursues her happiness in a big city, where her talents can truly be rewarded. Leanne can achieve more in 5 months that I will achieve in the next five years. She has a gift for understanding.

Kat

Intelligent, hardened, guarded.

Kat taught me that I need to stick up for myself and what I believe in. She could be incredibly harsh (or, I felt she could be), but had this undercurrent of honesty and integrity about her that I admired (and probably still do admire)

Though I felt (and still feel) that she had her own issues to deal with, she did teach me how to break it off clean, and keep it that way. For that I am truly grateful.

She has a brilliant mind and probably saw a lot more of me than i’d like to admit.

Anna

Quiet, Patient and Gifted

Anna I met after I broke up with my relationship broke down with Kate. I’d been single for about six months, and then out of the blue I got a call from some ex-workmates who wanted me to go out on the town for a drink.

I proceeded to, not knowing that it was dollar drinks all night. I was there, and before I knew it she was beside me, smiling. I ordered us drinks (I was pretty excited to a)find out that it was $1 drinks and b)there was this gorgeous girl beside me smiling!) and it went from there.

She worked incredibly hard, but I never knew what motivated her, though she was brilliant at everything she put her mind to. I broke it off with her, we got back together, then she broke it off with me

Kate

Erratic, Idealistic, Frightening

Kate was gorgeous. She took my breath away and was regarded as this crazy don’t-fuck-with-me kinda girl. I was hooked instantly.
I think I wanted the idea of her more than I wanted her. She taught me to push my own boundaries, be crazy at times and live for the moment.

Of course with my personality it made me crazy, stupid and foreign to everyone who mattered to me, but what the hell, I was having a good time.

It came to an inevitable end, and my man, my boy, Matt (who, for reasons still beyond me is still my mate) bailed me out when I needed him most.

Rebecca

Outgoing, Political, Open-Minded

She was the one. Rebecca was the one who removed me (willingly) of my virginity, and so she remains a part of my psyche even to this day.

I never let anyone get close, but she was the first person in my life to have a massive impact on the way I see the world in a very compact time-frame. I fell head over heels in love with her, before I even knew what love was.

The whole thing was doomed to failure from the start, and it was after she broke it off with me that I vowed I would never let anyone hurt me like that.

I’m still learning to let people get close.

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you’d be around
Uh huh
That’s right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That’s right

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong
I know better
cause you said forever
and ever
who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I’d give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won’t forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong
That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Adam Uncategorized lyrics, sex and love

After a bottle and a half of cheap chardonay, tonight I go for a walk….

I’m not quite sure where the journey starts or ends, but tonight I need to walk. Tonight I need to find some answers, or, maybe just to ask myself some of the questions.

I’ll let you know how it goes when I make it back.

Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

When one become single (again), one hopefully always takes some downtime to inwardwarly reflect on the the person they’ve become, the things they did right and more than anything, to reflect on the things that they could have done better.

After 2 years and 23 days Kath and I decided to go our seperate ways…..

I have no idea where this post is going to go, because right now I really don’t know how I feel.  What I do know is that as soon as it happened, the flu that was impending became the flu that has knocked me for six for over a week and it’s been effective in masking some of the pain that i’ve been experiencing.

I know that I haven’t had two weekends off in a row in 2 years and 23 days, so I feel lost and without direction and focus.  I know that i’m putting on weight because i’m eating out of lack of things to do coupled with inability to walk to the shops and back without total exhaustion setting in from the flu.

I know that I have the most amazing friends in the world who have invited me out, taken me to parties, shuffled me to dinner, brunched, lunched, shopped, listened and talked all in the goal of keeping my mind off things.  For those people I am absolutely and totally grateful.

I know that I haven’t cried yet, and I know that when it does come, it will cripple me a second time, making my flu seem like only a passing imposition compared to the massive hole the flood of sadness, loss and anger that will be exposed to both myself and the world when it finally decides to expose itself.

I know that we tried.  I know that we tried, we loved, we argued, we hugged, we kissed, we gave it our everything. 

I know that it wasn’t anything else, I know that we couldn’t have done anything to make the outcome different, and I know that, without doubt, that is the thing that hurts me the most.

I know that I want to meet people, but I definitely want to meet anyone…..

I know that it hurts like hell……

 

From here the instinct to run away is great.  The freedom to do something crazy on the top of the priority list.  The desire to search for something that I don’t quite understand, don’t quite want and don’t quite need is there.  The desire to have my life back, minus all the pain is the only thing that is keeping me upright at the moment, the only thing that drives me to keep breathing, keep moving and keep living.

A few things have however come into clarity for me over the past week.  Me and marriage and children are definitely out.  The primal instinct to do the nuclear familly just don’t exist.  I don’t need that addition to my world, my world (as I see it) is far too full as it is.

I know that i’m selfish and unkind and driven and angry and remorseless.  I know that i’m never going to walk a garden-light path of happiness, I know that i’m always going to have to fight for my own inner harmony and i’m pretty confident that i’m never really going to find what i’m searching for.

Some days I don’t know why it’s all so fucking hard.

I miss my old life but i’ve had so many old lives i’ve forgotten which one that is that i’m searching for.  With that in mind i’m not going to step backwards, i’m going to walk forwards, i’m going to run and stumble occassionally and i’m going to rush when rushing is not required.

What else can i do?  Who else can I turn to?  Who do you ask for advice when you don’t know what it is that you need to know the answers to?  And am I even prepared for the answers when they’re given to me?

I know that I want Kath to be happy.  I know that more than anything in this world she deserves it, and for some time now i’ve robbed her of the ability to find her ultimate life.  And at the end of the day that’s when you need to be honest with yourself… honest when you ask yourself ‘is this my ultimate life’ … because if it’s not, you need to do something about it, you need to run for it, not hide from it.

Hindsight being 20/20 and all, i’m not sure how much I would change, not sure how much I would hold onto and how much I would have let go in the search of my own happiness.

Maybe when I can stop asking all these questions i’ll have found what makes me happy….

Loving all your work.

Adam

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

I don’t think there’s really anything else to say on the topic at this point in time……

Will talk more when i’m feeling up to talking to the world… In the meantime i’m going to keep smiling as best I can and try not to break down before Christmas…

Adam

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

It’s funny how when you watch yourself grow up, you realise that you can grow in some ways, but you need to accept your imperfections in others.

I can relate this directly to the conversation I had last night with an old and dear friend of mine.  We have shared numerous pieces of history and I gathered the emotional strength and courage to give her a call as the last time we had spoke it was all relatively unceremonious in it’s execution.

I am proud to say that for an entire conversation we (read: I) refrained from engaging in my old behavioural tactics, conversed (relatively) eloquently and finally showed a side to a friend that she has probably always wanted to see: I’ve somewhat got my shit together.

I even avoided the usual plethora of gross references and endless innuendo that dictates practically every conversation i’ve ever had which was a nice bonus.

It was also interesting to see that while we didn’t agree on all my demons, we respected that I have come to an intersect of my life that whilst i’m not 100% puritan, that I do try to meet the basic guidelines of respectability, with only a slight cheek of rebelliousness that will always plague my personality to some degree or another.

I realised that i’m never *ever* going to even be close to being fantastic, i’m always going to be a little ratty around the edges, and i’m never going to be perfect, even with friends who have less rigourous standards than my own.  In this though, I have realised that the inner peace that comes from being a little ratty around the edges allows me to provide a solid and realistic evaluation on my life and allows me to function reasonably well in an educated society, a skill I have admittedly lacked for quite some time.

The girl and I are good, though we are growing together and I am difficult at the best of times and downright annoying at the worst, so it’s taken me until today on my way to Perth to realise that I simply could be doing a better job as a partner, and a much better job as a friend.  And so i’m going to put the effort in from today onwards to be that better person to my partner and trim off a few of those unwieldly edges in a goal of ensuring the successful blooming of my relationship to the next level.

(and no, nothing bad is going down, i’ve just been a royal PITA lately while I get on my obsession bandwagon with the running thing that I could easily tone down slightly for the benefit of all involved).

So that’s really me as of today, i’m still working on perfect, i’m still not meeting everones expectations, but i’ve come to realise that being 99% there and realising your faults is a whole letter better than being 50% there and having absolutely no idea what you’re doing wrong with your life.

So to the people I spoke to last night, thankyou.  To invitations of face-to-face meetings, i’m working on it and i’m going to do my darndest to ensure that if we do that I don’t automagically slip back into being a complete tosser, so it may take me a while to get it spot on.

But hey, trying is all I have on days like today.

Loving all your work
Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

Calm down….

 (just in case anyone started getting ideas to say i’m having one)

 I was taking the opportunity to enjoy a rare conversation with my mother last night (anything longer than 2 minutes is long-winded in our view of the world) and I was absolutely moved to realise that the older I get, the more i’m starting to understand the way she sees the world, because it’s the way that I see it.

I was confronted yesterday with the statement from Mum that it wouldn’t suprise her if Kath and I never had kids and just got married and decided that it wasn’t in our plan for things we wanted to do, and I have to admit that i’m starting to think that it’s possible that she might be correct.

 Now I need to be careful when I say that because the more that my life moves forward, the more that I realise that i’m not really in control of any of the big ticket items (health, love, family), they either happen or they don’t, and i’m not really in any position to be a part of the creative process, i’m just their for the journey and the universe is just dragging me along (sometimes kicking and screaming, sometimes willingly).  For me, the thought of having kids has always been artificial, though because of societys value on the process, i’ve always said ‘one day’ and ‘one day’, however as each year goes by, that one day just continues to stretch out over the horizon and the more it stretches, the more I see it as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbox, and i’m the leprechaun.

 So the thought that has crossed my mind of late is that i’m 28 years old and I still don’t have a single thought process that makes me want to have kids, doesn’t make me feel like being a parent and doesn’t want to add another human being into my equation of who I am and what I represent.

 Now attempting to explain this to Kath is like talking a foreign language.  While she has simply no concept of not ever having kids, she also has no inclinations, desires or feelings towards having children anytime in our immediate or medium term future.  The opposite side of this is that she happily holds onto the thought process that she will ‘one day’ have one (or more) children of her own, and finds it distantly eerie and somewhat concerning that I raise the topic that I may just never want them.

 And this is where I realise that more and more, i’m like my mum.

For all the years i’ve felt tormented and pressured to be something that I don’t understand, I realise now that my mum and I couldn’t really communicate because there’s no way for she could possibly explain to me that I will *always* feel like this.  I will always be a little unsure, a little unstable and a little wary about my own happiness.  I’m always going to feel that I don’t really deserve it, or that one day it might not be there anymore.  And it’s not sadness that I feel or ambivalence that’s in my heart, it’s just an almost saddening type of reality that not everything remains true forever crossed with a sense of blessing that comes with enjoying what we have in this very moment.

 To add a child into my equation of life feels like i’m robbing the universe of a little too much karma, and that right now, and for as long as I can see it, having a child in my life would represent me having to give up even more of things that define me (friends, family, work, outside commitments) and i’d just be doing less of the things I love right now place of one other thing that i’ll love if and when i’m doing it.

 Now to some i’m sure this will come off as being entirely selfish, why the hell don’t I want to have kids, and why is that I feel I can be selfish.  But I don’t see it that way.  I see it that i’ve been lucky, i’ve got all the things I want in this universe with me right here and right now, and rolling the dice for another addition, another component that I can’t see as defining me any further than I am now, I see that as being selfish.

 I want my life to balance taking from the universe less than I have given it, I don’t want to burden my karma by trying to have my hands in too many unrelated places.

 I think i’m happy right now, and I don’t need anything extra to make me more happy.
Adam

 

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

I have been recently been speaking with a friend of mine and came to a conclusion late last night that is unfortunate, but a necessary step that I realise I need to take on my life journey.

This friend has represented a huge part of my life, and as such i’ve always held her in the highest of regards.  For more than 3 years I have been on a journey and at many of the intersections she has been there, however last night I realised that it’s not me that needs to walk away, it’s quite possibly the moment that I need to let her be free.

 Now i’m confident that the above all sounds a little strange and for certain isn’t making sense, so please stick with me as  I explain….. (promise I won’t be too boring)….

 The friendships in my life are usually based on relative constants, whether they be location, disposition, education, social or just plain necessity, there has always been a single item that ensures that certain people stay in my life while others don’t.  However when it comes to continued frienships, both sides have to have at least one thing that’s good for you to hold onto.  And if you come to a point where your still being the ‘old’ you around someone and they don’t get a chance to see the ‘new’ you, it’s not really fair on them, or on you as you’re not letting your friendship be grounded on something that’s here and now….

It seems lately that i’m not giving my friend something that’s worth holding onto, and my recurrence back to my old life when i’m on the phone with her isn’t only not fair to me, it’s certainly not fair to her as the person I am now has grown away from the person I was.  To truly be friends with someone you need to let them see the path into who you have become, and how, even if they don’t like it, or can’t see it for what it is, that’s the person that you are now.

It’s a funny thing when you try to justify your happiness, it almost feels unreal or unsatisfactory to those around you and you find yourself justying your own actions in lieu of the person that you have become.  I find myself justifying myself to others about the person I am now, but the truth is I worked hard at it, and I don’t want any of it to be any different, sometimes I just hang onto the notion that I was once happier than I am now. 

 This of course itself doesn’t hold any place in reality, it’s just like drunkenness, it lets you escape from what’s really there, and it’s not fair of me to live a double-life around some people when i’m actually just really happy in my reality. 

 I’ve spent a weekend on the couch doing chores, going to gym and watching DVD’s and i’ve had a fantastic time.  I’m also looking forward to Kath being back from hockey tonight because it’s when she’s not around that I don’t feel complete anymore.  And it’s at moments like this when i’m sitting on the couch sharing this with you that I realise that I don’t need my reality, I actually *want* it, which is just the greatest feeling in the world.

 Just thought i’d share something that’s personal…..

 Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love