sciron.org/blog

We caught up…….  For 7 hours……  We caught up and we had a great time. 

Katie did and said all the right things, offered to watch a video with me when I made a recommendation, made me soup and icecream for dinner, asked me to stay and watch Greys Anatomy, stayed up with me and watched What About Brian and then offered for me to stay the night (upstairs, ie not with her)…. 

I thanked her, said no and went home.

Then I SMS’d her this: “Thanks for a great night, really enjoyed it.  I’ll let you now on progress.  And thanks for the 2 nights offers to stay, it means a lot. A

This is what I got back: No worries, that’s what friends are for!  Was really good to have a ‘normal’ night out with you.  Take care. K

—–

It is these moments that define the decisions that I need to make.  The decisions that I don’t yet have the strength to make, though that I will in time.  I am in love with Katie.  Of that I am certain.

People ask me, do you want to be in love with her?  You know, my answer is actually, yes.  It feels great to be in love, even if only for a brief moment you have a glimmer of hope…..

Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

I’m not dealing very well, i’m not doing very well and i’m seeing her this weekend.

Just when I want to push her out of my head, just when I want to feel ok that she’s not in my world, she e-mails me.  Every time I want her to be out of my head , just when I want to let someone else into my world, she SMS’s me.

And no matter how I try, no matter who I spend time with, I can’t seem to get her out of the front of my brain, becuase every time she starts to move anywhere towards the back of my mind (by force or otherwise), she jumps right back into my life.
I *hate* that I want to see her.  No.. I hate myself for wanting to see her.  I hate myself because she wants me and I know that she doesn’t want me, she just wants to be friends….

She SMS’d me last Friday night when I was out with the boys.  She SMS’d me and I responded, even after I told everyone that she’d messaged me.  I SMS’d her because I wanted to.
Of course she responded back and we chatted a couple of times back and forth before she dropped off the line.  I didn’t send a final response, but she was stuck in my brain.
So I left it, didn’t speak to her, didn’t try to contact her.  And this week I did plenty of things to keep myself occupied.  And with the week i’ve had (see the last post), that actually wasn’t hard at all

And then she e-mailed me.  She e-mailed me and checked that I was up in Brisbane again (which I am) and she offered to catch up with me on Sunday afternoon.

And of course I said yes.

Of course I said yes.  I said yes because I want to see her.  And she doesn’t really want to see me on any other level than to be friends.  She knows it, and she knows that I like her, and she’s still seeing me on Sunday afternoon*

——

I want it to be ok, I want to be ok with all of this.  I want to know how i’m supposed to feel and I want my life to feel like it makes sense.  Because right now there are people out there who like me, who really like me, and I can’t possibly like them until I work out how to like myself just a little.
And that’s the fucking hard thing folks.  There are girls out there who like me.  Unbelievable.  There are girls out there who like me and who *really* want to get to know me.  Who want to see me, who want to date me and who quite possibly(!) even want to sleep with me.  And exactly like the Nick Earl’s novel  that I quote to Katie extensively when I met her (I tell her what I tell you today.  Read that book and know everything there is to know about me…), I got trashed

It’s almost funny when I think about it.

——

(side track) I diverted from writing this post and forced myself to open a lot of the e-mails that I received/sent to Katie, and i’ve started the process of collating it together.  So I am going to work on that post, I am going to work on making that happen, letting her see how she penetrated my world, and I how I got lost in the beauty (and shame) of just falling in love.

* I mean seriously, who the *fuck* ever catches up on a Sunday afternoon?!??!

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

The last time I really posted from NZ, I was in a hotel room, crying my eyes out like a little girl.  Funnily enough as I sit here today, a Friday afternoon with the world at my fingertips, i’m in exactly the same position.

This month has just really not gone in my favour.  After a pretty bad start with my singledom (of which I apologise to you for not writing about!), I have had no opportunity to reflect as at exactly the moment I needed to be alone, those around me, those I care for, have needed me the most.

For all the reasons in the world I can’t (nor will I) delve into details about those situations, they are all intimate and personal, and they all suck.  Either situations that are out of our control, or situations where bad luck and process has just taken a toll on a perfectly good person, i’ve spent a week with grieving friends and had no moments to myself to reflect and take stock.

And so today I feel really quite small, very vulnerable and really out of touch with my world.

My saving graces are that I will see my nephew this weekend(!) and I am categorically refusing to start my laptop, no matter the consequences come Monday when I arrive at work.  I’m hoping with a few hours to myself, i’m going to steal myself away from the world and just let myself ball my fucking eyes out.
I am tired, I am emotional, I am unable.
For the mum that I want to talk to, but I can’t because she’s in pain, to the friends who need me who i’ve not been there I feel an overwhemling sense of guilt and anger towards myself.  I haven’t meant to miss anyone this week though i’ve feel like i’ve failed you all.

I want things to be right, I want you to know that i’d do anything for you, and I want me to know that it’s ok to not be 100%.
I thought I was doing ok, though I realise now that my pain and anguish, particularly when it comes to love is actually a whole lot deeper than i’d ever considered.  I see now that the pain of my breakup with Kath is very real, I realise that the pain of the Katie situation has really devastated me and that I need to take stock and to acknowledge that it hurts.like.fucking.hell when I think about how happy I was with them.

I think I need to acknowledge that I miss them, I miss them for two totally different reasons, and I need to let myself be ok with those feelings.

I’m starting to realise that i’m not ok right now and that I really need to do something about that. 

And it took giving myself up for the world (and failing miserably) this week to make me realise that.

Adam

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

I’ll be frank with you and say that this post is both wary and exhilirating. Wary because the contents of these posts will inevitably hurt people that I love and care about. Exhilirating because i’m going to find it difficult to manage the emotional mindset that i’m actually telling you the best known version of my ‘real’ truth.

There will be several edits to these pages, though i’m going to try to keep each post to a single week of my ‘relationship’ with a lady named Katie.

Most of the content in here will be completely unexpected. Some will be shocking and a fair bit not believable. But i’m going to try and be honest with you.

—–

The Overview

Week 1: The Meeting, The Waiting, The UK (18th – 24th December)
Week 2: The First Message, The Phone Hookups, The UK Departure (25th – 31st December)
Week 3: More Phone Hookups, and the tension starts (incl the first baulking, the buildup, the arrival)
Week 4: The Anniversary, The I Love You’s, The I Want To Marry You’s
Week 5: The Pause, The Moving Forward, The Re-Adjustment, The Pushing
Week 6: The Settling, The Pushing and Meet the Family
Week 7: The Unsettling, Phillippa
Week 8: The Finish, The Grief, The Funeral, The Followup

Adam

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

And just to ensure that my birthday is/was fucked…….

a)I met a girl (casually), who I thought liked me…. apparently not

b)Ironically, I was going to tell you about her, but decided to wait a little longer… kinda glad I did now…

A

———— 
Dear Adam,

I know you didn’t want me to say this …. I think it’s because you don’t believe me … but I do love you!  I think you are a truly wonderful guy …I’ve never met anyone like you … you’re so outgoing, caring, intelligent, active, funny, cute and perceptive!  But at the end of the day … I realise now that I’m not IN love with you and there’s a big difference.

I’m not saying all this to confuse the situation, I just want you to know that you shouldn’t change!  It would absolutely kill me if you change the way you are in relationships because of me and how I’ve handled all this.  I wish I felt differently but it’s something that I can’t change, no matter how much I want things to be different.

Please reconsider keeping the voucher and the birthday present… I bought them for you because I wanted you to have them.  I care about you so much and even if we were just friends, I’d have given them to you.  I’m not going to tell you what to do though, so do whatever you feel is right.

All I can say now is that I’m sorry and please don’t change, you will find the right person for you who will fall head over heals in love with you and give you as much as you give them…. I’m 110% sure of that!  You have so much to give and the right person will come along and allow you to give and they will give in return.

I’ve taken on board everything you said to me last night … thank you for telling me those things and thank you for being you.  If you feel like talking to me at any time, please call me … I’m here for you as someone who really cares for you, I want you to believe that.

I’ll see you on Friday night …. again, I’m so sorry for letting you down and hurting you, it was never my intention.

Katie

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

[Note sent today to friends who know me well and probably deserve better...]

Very quickly guys, a very (very) dear friend of mine, Phillippa died suddenly yesterday morning from a brain aneurisym.  The shock is that her mum suffered a similar thing (but came out ok) around 7 months ago and she was riding her horse in a competition only 6-7 hours prior.

Phillippa was an amazing, vibrant and pivotal part of my life when I was in my formative years.  She is the first girl I really recognised as ‘a girl’ and I’m going to miss the heck out of her.

As such, it’s entirely possible that I’ll be far worse this next couple of weeks (ie if you think I’m bad before yesterday, you haven’t seen me when grief sets in).  I will try to keep contact at a minimal because I do genuinely know that I’m going to be a PITA/workaholic while I get my head through this.

Thankfully I’m holidays at the end of this week, and my intention was to do/say/see nothing/nobody when I was at Tangalooma, now I just have something extra on my plate to process when I do get there.

Sorry if I snap anyone’s head off in the meantime.

———–

It hurts so.damn.much……

Adam
 

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

In a way that I simply cannot explain to you, this will be my most profound post since I started writing this thing.

1. I became an Uncle on Thursday Night.  Daniel is 7 pound 4 of the most amazing flesh and body I have ever witnessed.  Thinking of him even now makes me want to weep (I really do wish I was joking)

2. I finally ‘get it’.  In a single, uncharacteristic, enlightening and joyous moment, I worked it out. 

I realised that my entire life has revolved around the premise that I never let anyone in.  Obvious to the rest of the world, completely oblivious to me until I found myself writing some of the most profound stuff my idiotic brain has ever conjured. 

I hope one day that the wisdom in my note to my new Nephew will help him avoid a life like mine.

Because without speaking a single word, without doing anything other than just being alive, he’ll be the person that will have been responsible for helping me to redefine what I call life……

Adam

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

Two things changed my world as I know it this weekend, I became an Uncle and somebody I care about deeply told me that they didn’t believe they wouldn’t live to be old.

This morning as I sit on (another) plane on the way back home, these emotions both run at errant discourse to my own feelings on life, love and children that I felt my most appropriate form of release would be to write about it.

Today I write to you as a man both elated and scared…

I can only begin to share with you the deep emotional transition that occurred in my heart when I first laid my eyes on darling Daniel on Thursday night.  From climbing onto the plane a man without ties to his familys looming heritage to learning that my darling nephew had been born, born into a world as the first grandson of his generation and as the man that would carry the legacy of our family name into the next, I couldn’t help but allow myself to be totally awed and overwhelmed by this moment of clarity and peace.

To stare at my darling nephew and to feel the heat rise in my neck and chest, to feel and see the slow, rhythmic bumping of his tiny chest and to connect with life, real life on such an intimate level and I was moved beyond recognition.

I wrapped my arms tightly around my brother and I wept inside for the blessed moment that bought him safely into this world, fingers and toes in all the right places and crying in a way that only babies can cry.  I wept inside for the years of my life that I have lived and not loved, for the moments that i’ve let roll by and for the emotions that i’ve taught myself are not OK to feel.  I wept inside because my darling nephew represents the renewal, the truth and the beauty that is life, embodied and emblazened in a coocooned body of thin flesh, dazzling eyes and a soul that deserves all my protection in the world.

To understand true happiness one needs to recognise that they’re no in control of it and to respect that it’s not something you choose, it’s something you are.  To understand how I currently feel when I think of my darling nephew is akin to true happiness.  Happiness that resides in my soul, happiness that makes me protective and guarded, happiness that lets me sit on a plane and shed gentle tears of much-dreamed of bliss and peacefulness.
The juxtposition of life is the life without, about expiration and about the disembodiment of the mind and soul from the body.  It’s death.

I once listened to a profound piece of advice.  Death is never dignified.  Only in life is there dignity and you need to cherish it for all that it embodies.

Life is always brief, always early and reduces it’s receiver to a body of flesh, a brain without life, a heart wiithout rhythym and soul without a home.

—

So I found it quite profound that I heard someone I care about tell me that she expected her life to expire early, and that this had no impact on her daily life.

Now this person doesn’t reduce the quality of her life or reset her expectations around the assumption that her life will be short, though I sit here today in wonderment of how a beautiful soul comes to the logical (and some would say reverent) belief that they will expire, a flame extinguished without prejudice and to leave an enitre universe surrounding them, passionately wishing that life hadn’t been so cruel.

I sit here today with a plea to my fellow man, and subseuqently to this girl, a plea to live passionately and resolutely.  To live through fear and humour and angst and suffering and to come out the other side.

Cheat death I say.  Cheat the moments that shorten it.  Cheat life and live by your own rules.

….

There’s something this person doesn’t know about me yet.  I felt exactly the same way for almost my entire life.  I thought that my time was going to be short.  Not exciting or worldly, but cut short by some irrelevant event, my body and mind seperated in a brief (yet peaceful) moment of pain followed by an endless sea of a universe without fear.

As somebody who has lived life and has believed that it will be shortened, I know that it changes your perspective.  I know that it changes your outlook and I know that it makes you a different person.  Life is harmony between several billions moments of random and 1 moment of joy wrapped into a tightly spun ball.  We all look at the other side of the fence and believe that we should do something better, be something better, live more acutely and ultimately be a better person.  But what if life isn’t that complex.  What if it’s just about being alive…… 

So on this fateful day, I realise that I am having a moment of clarity.  As I sit here in front of my keyboard, I realise right this very second that I just found something that I need to do.

I need to shohw this person *life*…..

And to my darling new nephew, without even knowing it you just showed me that life is nothing but possibility….

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

This is what happens when you archive *all* your e-mail….. So in a strange kind of way, i’m going to let you all know a lot more about me.. i’m going to post a lot of my old letters (names removed to protect the innocent).

I’m not going to tell you who, where or when, I think that will ruin the montage, but it’ll be a heck of a journey!

And with that in mind, I bring you the first piece that I stumbled across tonight…

————–
Remember:

That I’m just scared out of my wits right now …. I like you a lot. I certainly like you a lot than I’m willing to admit. And it seems the more I talk to you and the more I look forward to seeing you, the more the brains basic instinct for survival (based on a serious track record of being hurt, as I’m sure you know about) kicks in.

For me, it permeates itself by (literally) trying to scare you away. However with everything in this world, I’m relatively opaque. I’ll tell you what every person feels but never says out loud (they only say it out loud because society has taught them that you’re either going to harm or be harmed), and for that I usually end up scaring certain people away, or alternatively attracting the wrong type of person.

I don’t want to scare you away (name), and you’re certainly not the wrong type of person..

With all this in mind, please take my incoherent rambling with the appropriate grain of salt, and if you’re really tough, realise that in my mind and in my heart, this is just a permeation of me really liking you…. It seems like such a simple and noble statement, but it’s absolutely true. I like you. (heck, it even feels good to say it!).

I am looking forward (immensely) to seeing you and I want to pick you up at the airport. And for a million and one daggy and romantic reasons I want to know that instead of hedging my bets, or only dipping my toes in the water that I’m going to let myself be me around you. For we might get hurt, we might just become friends or we might just make it and find something that we’ve always been searching for…. Though no matter what happens, we will have taken the journey, and we will know that we have put our best foots forward, and that, and the end of the day is what separates us from the people that we don’t want to be with.

I’m confident that you know what I’m talking about here, and I’m absolutely certain that you know how I’m feeling about this stuff. And I don’t want to scare you away (name), not in the slightest!

So for all the reasons of you just being you, and for all the reasons that you’ll get to show me your side of the universe. And i’m sure that along the way I’ll realise that there are some things that are different about us, and that will be a good thing. I also know that with a little bit of willingness to change, I’ll probably find out a whole side to things I’d never considered before….. And as far as I’m concerned, that is what makes the journey, and certainly submitting to that journey, makes it all worthwhile.

I don’t want to delay seeing you, and I/We are going to have to commit the time and resources to making sure that we don’t get caught up in the whirlwind of the phone where dreams become reality and we don’t have to follow through when it comes to the day that someone has to wash the dishes. I want my time with you to be real, I want it to be without pretension, I want it to be doing all the things I’d normally do with someone I want to be with. I want us to find out and know if it’s right with us so that we can move forward (together, or apart) and find our happiness, wherever that may lie.

So I don’t want to scare you away, I just want to be honest and not second-guess my own feelings

I don’t want to scare you away (name), because I actually, and genuinely, really do like you a lot.

I hope this reaches you sane and well. I’ll miss talking to you, and for all the reasons that I want you to meet the people in my life when we see each other, part of that process is allowing you to know who I really am…

Here’s hoping you’re looking forward to taking some (or a lot!) of steps on that journey with me

A xxoo

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

More reflective shit from my world…

Right now i’m going to steal from my favourite writer in the world (i’m pretty sure my one paragraph won’t get me in trouble with the law, especially considering I buy all of his books and I love his work)….

So a paragraph (or two) from Nick Earls’ classic: Zigzag Street

——–

And he says But this is Rachel Vilikovski.
Exactly.
So what are you going to do?
I’m not going to call her. I’m going to sort myself out.
All this relationship stuff has to be crap. I have to be okay when it’s just me.
Yeah, great theory, but for god’s sake get over it, okay?
When did that Just Me shit ever work for you? You think it’s working now? Don’t misunderstand me, it’s fine if it does work, but right now i’m not easily convinced that you’re enjoying a life of quality as the solo man.
So I think about this, the solo man, but no kayak, no rapids, no biceps, no soft drink down the chin. The solo man, the man alone, the man comfortable within his own vacuum. Non-ogamous.
I think i’ve got to take the time to sort myself out, I tell him, but we both know that I hate the idea. We both know i’m wavering.
Sure, sure. It’s a good theory. You know I endorse it. If it’s working out that way. But sometimes, maybe that time is a luxury you don’t have. How sorted out do you need to be? How sorted out are you going to be? What ghosts are you trying to lay to rest here? This’ll always be a risk. It’ll never be totally safe. You will never be invulnerable, cause if you ever are this all means nothing anyway. I’m not saying call her or don’t call her. That’s not what i’m saying, okay? But some day, I think, you’re going to be calling someone, or they’re going to be calling you. And just because Anna left, doesn’t mean that’s what happens every time. Trust me. Whatever happened with Anna doesn’t mean it’ll never work out.
But what if it’s me? What if there’s something about me? Something about me that means it doesn’t work.
Something about you? Rick, there’s nothing about you that isn’t about everybody. Your biggest mistake at the moment is over-thinking this to buggery and convincing yourself it’s anything but totally normal. The standard life involves quite a number of relationships, all but the last of which don’t work out. That’s what happens. Just do the maths. You have n relationships, and n minus one of them end, unless you’re polygamous.
But right from that girl at uni. Remember that girl at uni? Remember. I basically blew my university days in the pursuit of one girl, and i’m no better now.
Uni. The girl at uni. Rick, that’s bullshit. Take it from me. The only thing in the world that hasn’t changed since the Girl at Uni Fiasco is my hairstyle. As if we haven’t all been losers. If I took some of my early luck as representative of my future, i’d be nowhere now. I wouldn’t've called anyone, ever. In grade twelve, the first girl I went out with, she impressed me so much I got really tense and vomited on her. We didn’t go out again. And you know what? I’ve moved on from that. And if i’d met Sal then, i’d have fucked it up. But I didn’t. I met her years later, when I knew I could do things differently. You should be grateful. You should just be grateful you didn’t blow it with Rachel Vilikovski years ago. That at the age of twenty-eight, when you can handle things a little better, that this is when you get your chance
So are you tell me something here?
No
Are you telling me to do something?
No. I just don’t want you to rul out any possibilities today. What’s the worst that could happen? You can get trashed again? Maybe. But maybe the worst is working out in a couple of months time that you should have given it a go. And by then she’s changed jobs, moved house, fallen wildly in love with some arsehole and the moments passed. Don’t get me wrong, if you get trashed again it’s going to be really boring for the rest of us, but we can live with that
But why is it like this?
Like what?
Like this. What about just dating? Why isn’t it that simple for me?
Because it just isn’t. You don’t ever let it be that simple, and I don’t think that’s going to change
What if I want to change?
Change, I think, is just another of your fantasies, as though there’s some major problem at the moment and if you can work out what it is, things’ll be fine. If yo ucan work out what you did wrong with Anna, maybe you’ll have an answer. But maybe you did nothing wrong with Anna. Maybe it was just one of those things. Maybe you can even stop dwelling on it now, and trying to work it out. Maybe you don’t need to change. And at heart, you are ruminator, a fatasiser. It’s part of you. In fact, you’re so good at it you sometimes have fantasies that you aren’t. That you’re some hard-nosed pragmatist, or some cool Lothario. And Rick, i’ve got news for you, that’s not you. And it doesn’t need to be. If you want to change your complex phobia, fine. If you want to change your complex and irrational notions of guilt and redemption, fine. But small changes, okay?
But other people just date people. Other people just have sex with people and no-one gets hurt.
Yeah, i’m sure that’s true. And this is your biggest fantasy of all, this is the house with three nineteen-year-old babes. This is the fantasy that things can be casual for you. That somewhere out there is a life with an abundance of inconsequential sex. And there probably is. But it’s not your life. Your life is an abundance of consequences. And that’s fine.

final note: You want to know the funniest and most ironic thing about this paragraph (and this novel): read it and you will know everything there is to know that’s important about me….. It is comfortably the book that most describes me on the inside, with all my scars, all my fears, all my stupidity, all my angst and (hopefully) my ongoing, wicked, sense of humour that keeps me going……

Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love