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Adam Uncategorized jokes

Idiots at work…

Print Screen, huh?

and;

Firehose Rodeo

Enjoy!

Adam Uncategorized jokes

My idea of Indy

Adam

Adam Uncategorized jokes

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. 

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. 

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Adam Uncategorized jokes

A Rabbit Vs a Snake….

Click Here for the exciting clip.

Adam

Adam Uncategorized jokes

The easiest way to love your job is not to do it. Here are the top 10 ways to avoid work at work.

1 Ignore all emails

Working in the mail room is not generally a career choice for most people. Yet with the epidemic of email most people spend half their working lives slaving away in their own personal computer mail room. However, if you let emails sink to the bottom of the pile and go unanswered they will eventually become irrelevant. If something really matters, the person who sent it will eventually call you to ask about it.

2 Never offer to make coffee

In an open-plan office there is a ritual where everyone waits hours for the first person to say: “Who wants a coffee?” That person then finds themselves in the kitchen for the rest of the day working as a junior catering manager. Also remember that nobody ever gets to the top of an organisation by drinking stinky teas. No one wants to have a meeting in a room that smells of peppermint, rhubarb or aloe vera.

3 Get yourself noticed

Getting ahead in business means getting noticed but working hard makes you almost invisible. It’s a lot better to work hard at getting noticed. What senior management likes more than anything else is junior managers who show initiative and volunteer to do things. Of course, volunteering for things and doing things are two different matters. Once you have got the credit for volunteering for a project, get as far away as possible from it before the work kicks in. The best way to do that is to volunteer for another project.

4 Remember that less is more

You would think lazy people form an inert mass at the bottom of an organisation. On the contrary, they are found at all levels in business, right up to the boardroom. The reason for this is simple: when something goes wrong in business it’s generally because someone somewhere has tried to do something. Obviously, if you don’t do anything, you can’t be blamed when it goes wrong. People who sit all day like a lemon, busily straightening paperclips, are therefore the only people with a 100 per cent record of success and with that sort of record promotion is inevitable.

5 Master the jargon

It’s vital you know that for the envelope to be pushed out of the box and through the window of opportunity, customers should first become stakeholders and then delighted beyond their expectations. To do this, top executives will go forward the extra mile while wearing the shoes of the customer. And remember, the customer is king (unless she is a woman).
6 Manage without bosses

The difference between a boss and your bank is that a bank sometimes gives you credit for things. Bosses give you things to do and then blame you for doing them. What they never understand is that if they didn’t give you things to do in the first place, you wouldn’t make so many spectacular foul-ups. Naturally there are good bosses and bad bosses. Some take the trouble to get interested in what you are doing, encourage your personal development and provide you with a stimulating and challenging work environment. There are also good bosses who lock themselves in their rooms, have five-hour lunches and leave you completely alone.

7 Avoid paper

Steer clear of all paper as the thing it’s most likely to have on it is work. There is a saying that a job is not finished until the paperwork is done. It’s a saying that is not used much these days because most people’s entire job is paperwork. You can finish your paperwork and it will have multiplied and be back on your desk by the following day.

8 Never answer a phone

Answering a phone in an office generally means speaking to a customer or your boss. As neither will call unless they want something, answering the phone will probably mean doing work. Don’t pick up a phone unless you know it’s a social call. As you will never know whether an incoming call is social or not, it’s best to make a lot of pre-emptive outgoing social calls.

9 Say no to networking

In business, they still say it’s not what you know, it’s who you know, which is a bit depressing when you have just completed 15 years of formal education. Networkers give you their card within the first 30 seconds of conversation. After about 20 minutes telling you how brilliant they are, ask whether they would like your card. Then return their own to them and watch them slip it straight back into their pocket.

10 Steer clear of meetings

Half of every working day is spent in meetings, half of which are not worth having, and of those that are, half the time is wasted. Which means nearly one-third of office life is spent in small rooms with people you don’t like, doing things that don’t matter. A tightly run meeting is one of the most frightening things in office life. These are meetings for which you have to prepare, in which you have to work and after which you have to take action. Fortunately, these meetings are as rare as a sense of gay abandon in the finance department.

Adam Uncategorized jokes

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The

story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had

spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. ” Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. ” Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA???

Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

(Gary)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

F**K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ – I really liked it.

Adam Uncategorized jokes

I thought this was comic gold, so i’m posting it here

————–

Cool, here’s my resume:  I is liking to do stuff. I has no experience as a pm but managed to get to work today (managed- gettit? Bwahaha).  Hobbies: flicking my hair and trying to calculate my IQ (I think that’s how you spell it but I don’t use spillchecker).  Skills: Computers (if someone turns it on for me).  sleeping my way to the top.  smiling and nodding at the same time (advanced).    Leaning over with low cut tops on. 

Adam Uncategorized jokes

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Adam Uncategorized jokes

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don’t undo mytrousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

Adam Uncategorized jokes