So… how you doin’?
For reasons unbeknownst to me, and for a person who talks more than most, i’ve struggled over the past few years to use this blog as an effective means of transmitting what’s been going on in my life. Which probably doesn’t work so well as that’s it’s intended purpose and getting the thoughts out of my head is probably the safest option for everybody involved.
By looking at my stats today, i’ve had this blog for 1839 days (nigh on 6 years for those who don’t want to do the math) and it has been through various iterations: firstly when it was called a different name, secondly when it moved to this domain name but on blogger, and then several other iterations, tracks, turns and roundabouts before making its way to where I am today, with a free theme, boring content and a whole string of ideas in my mind that i’m still hoping to put into action….
And the sad thing is that I should have written all this down, for life has been pretty interesting, particularly in the last three years. I’ve seen the people closest to me grow into themselves, find their way, get hitched, get kids and get-it-together. I find it difficult looking back to articulate the way it makes me feel to see the transition, the gentle lines we have all developed that have softened our looks, made us more human and cemented our places in the world, nestled amongst those we care about, those we work with and those that randomly cross our paths.
I feel grateful that friends I know either work for me, with me or close to me (surprisingly, the first people to really read this blog represent two of my six membership base!) or stay in contact through the simple yet powerful medium of Facebook. The tools we use today bring my friends into focus so much faster than before, though all of this technology somehow only seeks to divide me from them, as the tyranny of distance is still real, flights still have to be taken, trips made in the car and hours committed to spend the time with those that you wish to be around.
In the past months I have lost that connection with some people back home, and that truly saddens me as time, life commitments and a large bundle of work have made it difficult to commit the time required to feel the warmth of their skin in a bear hug or savour the look in their eyes when they laugh at a bad joke, or just to hear their voice when they’re talking about nothing of value or importance, making it all the more important and all the more meaningful for me.
My trip to the UK has reaffirmed that while I enjoy being here, I am glad I didn’t follow that well-trodden path, I didn’t exercise that demon and make my way for a two year stint to ‘see the world’ (which, for most = spending 2 years in London, doing bugger-all travel and returning home after two blighty winters) as it’s only now as I get the luxury of spending that time with someone that makes me laugh and keeps me sane that I see how amazing the world around you is, how culture and distance are to be respected, to be embraced and to be cherished as part of a much larger image that we call life.
With all that said, it still doesn’t mean I miss home anymore than I do right at this minute…
On the upside of this, travel has become an important component in my life, and not just for work, but i’ve also learnt the pure pleasure of engrossing myself in other worlds, other cultures and seeing the world from a different perspective. And I know that’s changed me a lot. My myopic views on the world and it’s surroundings have started to drop off. Art, literature, economics, politics and our envrionment have all become topics that flood my mind, keep me thinking and regularly keeping me reassessing how i interact both with those that I care about, but also with those who are strangers to me. Because of the travel bug, I take more holidays, take myself a little less seriously, and cherish more of that precious time that I have, though increasingly there seems to be less of it, and more to do with my day.
Fitness has always been something that has been discussed here, and I believe it must be an innate driver in my soul as while I may a get away from it at times, i’m continually dragged back in, by some invisible line it seems to push myself beyond my physical boundaries, to challenge my mind and muscles in a contest of wits, determination and (most would say) complete stupidity.
Hools (Jules) has been indoctrined in my life so much now that I simply don’t know what i’d do without her, and for that i’ve lost more than a few nights sleep. Having somebody that you open up to on such a basic, human level leaves one open and exposed, naked in the breeze, and for me it’s something that I both cherish and fear, as I know that for reasons completely out of my control it may one day be dragged away from me. But life, love and a great sense of happiness has shown me that one can’t wait for something to go wrong, one must live the moment, be happy and most importantly, be grateful for what we have. Through knowing Hools I have learnt to accept certain inaliable truths: that i’m not in control, that happiness is something that you must accept and cherish and that ultimately, life is half chance and half hard work, one needs both to live happily ever after.
I am starting to invest more time in myself, more time simply for me and more time to inwardly reflect. Meditation, soul searching and other non-traditional therapy techniques have helped me see a little more of myself, find some peace and break down some of the barriers that are in my own mind, restricting me from the freedom that I seek, and emancipating me to be the person that I still see in my mind that I want to be.
I’m starting to think that what I should do is more posts like this: unedited, unstructured and simply a mind dump of what’s happening, as this is how thoughts come into my head, this is how my brain works, my world works and my life works. Maybe I shouldn’t fight those things that come to me and wake me in the middle of the night, maybe I should harness them rather than languish them and maybe, just maybe, i’ll find some peace.
Maybe.
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