ed’s note: … this blog was inspired by this post -> http://theantilogy.blogspot.com/2007/05/death-tends-to-put-things-into_02.html
I’m a cock people…… There’s nicer ways I could say this, there are ways that I could pepper it, things I could say to cover up my behaviour at times and certainly I could straight out lie to you.
But here’s the thing, it’s the truth.
So now that we’ve clarified on that, let’s look at the reality of my world……
Now it is at this juncture that I start to lose the ability to accurately comment on the post above, because from this point out all i’m really ever doing is speculating about how ‘people’ (whoever they may be) feel about ‘me’. Now I could assume/presume or guess that they like me a lot, like me a little of are desperately falling for me (heck, they could hate my guts…), however to do any of those things only makes me loook like even more of a cock than I already do.
So now i’m presented with a dilemma. Do I a) Presume that the subtle comments, innuendo and flirting equate to ‘I really like you’ or do I equate them to b) Get real fuckwit, we’re mates, we have been for a long time and it’s about time stopped being a (bigger) cock with an ego the size of Texas(!)…..
Then things start to get complicated…
Based on my (lack 0f) presumption above, what am I supposed to do with this information? Do I decide not to be friends with people that I like because they may potentially like me, or do I let them live in some kind of hope (of course, i’d ask myself that if people don’t flat.out.tell.me, am I really doing the wrong thing here!) or do I just ignore that it’s really happening.
The reality is that I do a big mixture of all of them….. and seriously folks, every answer is wrong… therefore… I am a cock….
So let me set (at least some) of the record straight….
1. Generally speaking, I think I know if people like me;
2. Therefore, I try to be upfront and honest about how I feel. If however there really is any doubt, the general rule is that if I like you (or even if I finally *realise* I like you) i’ll either do something about it or stay looking like a fool. Either way, you’re going to know.
3. I don’t get it right.
4. I’ve ‘felt’ stuff for people before. One of my (now) closest friends in the world, Terrie, I had a *huge* crush on (that was long before this blog even came to existence folks, so we’re talking about the stone age!). I got the picture that nothing was going to happen and over a period of 6 years I re-adjusted how I felt about her (because let’s be honest, it wasn’t mutual) and now we’re great friends (and I have a new gym buddy/torture friend when I get my sorry ass back to Brisbane)
5. I don’t think myself that attractive/funny/intuitive/manly/whatever …. I really don’t. I’m not here walking around thinking i’m fabulous. I am (really) a deadset maniac, a difficult person to know and an *extremely* tough person to love. I am a professional at keeping people at a distance I make no exception for myself and therefore I make very little room for other people.
6. The above really does reinforce that i’m a cock.
7. I’m however not the guy who’s responsible for how other people feel about me. Those feelings other people own. I could sit here and feel guilty (and trust me, I have) about how other people *might* feel about me, but not really quite tell me openly and honestly, however if they do, they will get a honest answer from me.
8. What’s tough is that you might not like that answer, however its not.my.fault that you don’t like it.
9. I can’t help how I feel. If I could, if I could control who I loved (and heck, who loved me!) i’d be happy, married and with kids by now. While i’m a lot of things, I don’t try to sabotage my ultimate happiness, my body just knows when i’m not as happy as I should be.
10. Because i’m a cock, and it’s hard work keeping a cock happy. (no puns)
So let’s change track a little…. partly the below is what inspired some of this, some of it I just want to share with you… because i’m trying to be less of a cock and more of a man….
1. I met a girl folks, and that has sparked this response to the above post. I didn’t mean here a while ago, I met her a long time ago and we hang out a lot.
2. And for the record, until a few days ago (just days before I wrote that post), i’d never really allowed myself to think that way about her. There’s complications and I need to do the right thing by a lot of people, and being single is the best thing I could have done. Heck, the only girl I have let myself like lived thousands of kilometres away from my entire world! (talk about cautious!)
3. However, thinking about this person made me realise that she doesn’t ask/expect/want me to change….. And i’ll be honest I don’t want her to change… and that’s truly a strange thing… and i’m still not sure how to manage that out, but i’m going to try it… i’m going to try it because it feels different and because it feels good and because it’s something that I want to pursue… And that’s good enough for me…
4. Funnily enough, all of my running/drinking friends all breathed a collective sigh of relief when we started to tell them… because funnily enough we’ve been the only two people in the whole world who.handn’t.seen.it.coming, and really, if all your friends think it’s a good thing, that can’t be a bad thing…
5. Because I have started listening to my friends, and that’s not a bad thing.. not a bad thing at all.
6. I don’t like people (or not like people for that matter) to hurt anyone. I try to be honest with myself, with the people I care about and with my universe. I can’t control how I feel, nor can I control how other people feel.
7. But I realise that for not being able to control everything, yet wanting to, really, makes me a cock.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Adam
p.s - And for anybody out there who thinks that i’ve i’ve known them/you for several years and i’ve thought that maybe they/you think that we should be something ‘more than friends’ ….. To assume that I haven’t given it significant thought is an insult to me, plain and simple……. To assume that the answer is not positive but ‘how.the.fuck.do.i.say.something.like.that.to.you’ would be a far closer/more accurate version of the truth…..
