My New SLA….
This folks, is my new Seriously.Lame.Apology
Over the past couple of months, I’ve heard various (very true, very poignant) comments along the lines of:
“I just don’t f#cking see you anymore!…”
“Goddammit, why is it you can never show up on time! ….”
“I’ve had better success getting my deaf, mute, dumb, blind dog to show up to drinks/beers/social event/devil-worshipping class’
SO!, I offer to you my seriously.lame.apology….
All the usual excuses offered:
- My cat died
- Lost track of time
- Damn daylight savings changeover (seriously though, I really did legitimately use this one!)…
However, because that’s generally rubbish and you all deserve better…
I am 100% dead-set apologetic for not getting back to you all or missing things. It’s seemingly that I’m either plugging away at work (really I’m working my a$$ off because every time I stop for 5 seconds I think about all the bad sh!t that’s happened and it just makes me want to cry.. Not very manly like realy….).
Or alternatively when I *do* finally catch up with you, I feel so damn guilty for not having invested enough time and energy in you that I seriously overrun my welcome and then that crash-tackles my next appointment, of which I then piss.somebody.else.off…
I don’t mean to do this, I understand that (in many senses) I’m just running away from things.
However, I do acknowledge that I need to settle, need to focus and need to get some things out of the way. I’m talking to you all as much as I can, and some things just really hurt and I’m not yet ok with opening up enough to share what’s really rattling around in my head, whereas other moments I just sit there and want to spurt everything in my head out because it feels like I’ve got this pressure in my brain that won’t release.
I don’t mean to run away, though some mornings I’m finding it really hard just to keep my head straight, and I am truly sorry, it’s never been my intention to upset or disappoint.
……
Onto the bad news. I don’t know when this is going to get any better. I’m trying to just keep my head above water. But if (when!) I do something stupid, please understand that I’m not doing it intentionally or to hurt anyone, I’m just making some decisions (sometimes on the fly, many times without really acknowledging to myself the long-term impact of them) and trying to accept some consequences. Whatever I do, I will work towards righting wrongs, and I will hopefully come out of this sh!tty space and be even more grateful than I am now to have such amazing friends as yourself who actually care enough to get upset with me when I let them down.
The people on the receiving end of this e-mail, you all mean a huge amount to me and I’m indebted to each and every one of you for being there with me, in various capacities to see me through to the next stage of my journey.
Thanks for letting me be there to share some of it with you, I appreciate it more than I can express…
Adam
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