:sciron.org/blog

Ed: I realise this post is all over the place.. it was 3am.. in some timezone… somewhere….. on a plane…

So live with it :) 

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It’s a strange moment in the universe when you realise that you’re finding some sense of happiness.  What makes it extraordinary when you didn’t even see it coming in your direction and you’re sitting there laughing at yourself when you realise how fucking dumb you are not to have done something about it a long time ago.

I have amazing friends.  I have friends who would walk in front of buses, climb mountains, run marathons and drink until we’re all laughing until we hurt.  You comfort me when and support me even when I fuckup (and let’s be honest, that’s not a rare occassion) and you laugh (at) with me when i’m talking more than any person alive should.

You still don’t judge me, you still accept me and you still actively encourage me to be a part of your worlds. 

I never realised how truly happy made me until I realised in a single moment that ‘this’ is what it’s all about.
I have an amazing family, who have shown me over the past month that love can endure, and that marriage is never an easy institution, never an easy substitute for life.  But you work at it, and you get the results in the end.  That’s what makes it great.

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The changes that are happening in my life will take me spiralling in a multitude of directions and I am terribly sad to be leaving Sydney on my wayward journey to Brisbane.  With that in mind, I realise that by settling down (yes, that means drinking less) i’m actually going to be able to afford a life that still brings me back in contact with Sydney on a regular basis.  What would have regularly been only weekend jaunts will now turn into week-long escapes where I not only meet my professional requirements, keep my attachment to Brisbane, but quite literally, have the best of both worlds.

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On the girl front, a whole myriad of activities there.  (There always is!)…. But no drastic movements, no drastic actions, no conspired moments and no, I haven’t met someone new and fallen in love!

I’m not quite ready to say everything there is to say, but I can say that this has been a whole month of massive realisation and i’m continuing to actually enjoy finding out what makes me happy.

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Because what makes me happy is not glamour, it’s not glitz, it’s not the jet-setting lifestyle, or more money in my pocket…

- It’s afternoon drinks with friends;
- It’s taking the piss, pushing your boundaries and never giving up hope on happiness;
- It’s watching those you care about come out of bad situations and make something entirely positive of it;
- It’s realising that it’s not all actually as hard as you thought it was, you just had to open your eyes and let it happen for once;

I’m staying on track with winding back my life.  I’m working towards spending more time with my family, more time on my bike, more time on training (I will admit that the stress has helped me stack on a few unwanted kilos!… psychological eater.. yes I am…), and maybe just a little more time on me.

Adam

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Difference between me and most people…

Instead of seeing the sites, taking in the vast cultural differences, exploring back alleys and immersing myself in a new country.

I went and played paintball ….
(if only I was kidding)

Adam

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Adam has just landed in the UK.

His first question was what time was it back here. When being told it was 5:30 p.m. he stated, and I quote,“Cool, time for beer”.

It was 8:30 a.m. over there.

England is in for a whole world of pain over the next fortnight.

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Now these lyrics just make me laugh my ass off
Adam

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1. Want to see my new apartment (yeah, the one I just bought…..) - http://www.sciron.org/photos/v/Friends_And_Family/Wren_St

2. I’m heading off to the UK for 10 days

3. That’s the same time I need to sign the loan documentation
4. P.s I’m moving to Brisbane :)…….

Giddy.the.fuck.up !

Adam

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I’m absolutely shocked… This I what Katie sent me today (grrr!) .. and  below is my super-nice-i’m-still-slightly-in-love-with-you-but-you-need-to-keep-away-from-me response…..

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Hi Adam,
 
I’ve been thinking about the phone bill (I’ve paid it now because they put a barr on my phone) and I know that money will be very tight for you for a while.
 
So, instead, of cash, how about I just use the Red Balloon Days voucher?
 
It’ll also offset some of the cost of getting someone to look at my laptop.
 
Sorry about the email, but I don’t really want to discuss this by phone, I’ve got enough stress at work at the moment without any more.
 
thanks
 
Katie

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This folks, is my new Seriously.Lame.Apology

Over the past couple of months, I’ve heard various (very true, very poignant) comments along the lines of:

“I just don’t f#cking see you anymore!…”
“Goddammit, why is it you can never show up on time! ….”
“I’ve had better success getting my deaf, mute, dumb, blind dog to show up to drinks/beers/social event/devil-worshipping class’

SO!, I offer to you my seriously.lame.apology….

All the usual excuses offered:

- My cat died
- Lost track of time
- Damn daylight savings changeover (seriously though, I really did legitimately use this one!)…

However, because that’s generally rubbish and you all deserve better…

I am 100% dead-set apologetic for not getting back to you all or missing things. It’s seemingly that I’m either plugging away at work (really I’m working my a$$ off because every time I stop for 5 seconds I think about all the bad sh!t that’s happened and it just makes me want to cry.. Not very manly like realy….).

Or alternatively when I *do* finally catch up with you, I feel so damn guilty for not having invested enough time and energy in you that I seriously overrun my welcome and then that crash-tackles my next appointment, of which I then piss.somebody.else.off…

I don’t mean to do this, I understand that (in many senses) I’m just running away from things.

However, I do acknowledge that I need to settle, need to focus and need to get some things out of the way. I’m talking to you all as much as I can, and some things just really hurt and I’m not yet ok with opening up enough to share what’s really rattling around in my head, whereas other moments I just sit there and want to spurt everything in my head out because it feels like I’ve got this pressure in my brain that won’t release.

I don’t mean to run away, though some mornings I’m finding it really hard just to keep my head straight, and I am truly sorry, it’s never been my intention to upset or disappoint.

……

Onto the bad news. I don’t know when this is going to get any better. I’m trying to just keep my head above water. But if (when!) I do something stupid, please understand that I’m not doing it intentionally or to hurt anyone, I’m just making some decisions (sometimes on the fly, many times without really acknowledging to myself the long-term impact of them) and trying to accept some consequences. Whatever I do, I will work towards righting wrongs, and I will hopefully come out of this sh!tty space and be even more grateful than I am now to have such amazing friends as yourself who actually care enough to get upset with me when I let them down.

The people on the receiving end of this e-mail, you all mean a huge amount to me and I’m indebted to each and every one of you for being there with me, in various capacities to see me through to the next stage of my journey.
Thanks for letting me be there to share some of it with you, I appreciate it more than I can express…

Adam

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Lyrics, now you don’t have to read them!

This song is on one of my favourite albums ever, Throwing Copper by Live (stupidly popular, i’m sure you’ve heard of it) and comes with this poignant and haunting track that I always enjoy having on as background….

Today I just turned it up loud to drown out the world….

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I just updated some of the static pages in my blog and realised that I needed to change 20-something to ‘almost-30-something’ …..

Fuck….

Adam

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So the weekend has bought about as  many crazy activities as the past two weeks.  I’m actually not really in a position to discuss them verbatim  (there’s actually some serious family issues there that i’m not really feeling 100% up  to talking about right now), however:

- Buying my grandmas house is  now off the agenda, however i’m looking very seriously at buying a 2-bdrm apartment at Bowen Hills/Keperra/The City (Brisbane).  Price is around what i’m prepared to spend and i’m thinking that this will be a solid investment into my future.

This coupled with some interesting sceanrios arising with people living and working in QLD and NSW over the next 6 months and I may be able to make a very respectable go of investing in something a little worthwhile.

- I’m really quite sad to be leaving Dan and Monica’s place, they have been simply amazing to me and have let me stay (extensively) in their house and taken me into their lives and I am forever indebted to them being there to just let me run away from the world for a couple of weeks.  My thanks to them can’t be underestimated.

- I’m looking forward to going home.  I’m looking forward to training, i’m looking forward to getting prepared for the half marathon (which comes up in only 6 weeks!)

- I need to do some (more) serious thinking about my work situation.  I’ve realised that with everything that has arisen over the past weeks how important my family and friends are greater to me than my work.  I want some work/life balance and I actually intend on working towards getting some of that balance, no matter some of the short term consequences.

- I’m over Katie.  I actually just realised just a few minutes ago that I hadn’t had a single thought about her in the past 48 hours.  I’m especially grateful that people were worried about me, but i’m also glad that I went over to her house and finished it, because I  realise that I needed to do it, and i’ve found closure by saying what I did.  It’s nice to be in control of that part of my life, if only for a few minutes.

- I can actually have a drink tonight!  But with that in mind, i’ve realised i’ve eaten junk food for nearly two weeks (not a great deal, only two meals a day) but because I haven’t been drinking like a fish i’m not a)broke b)putting on stacks of weight.

As much as I hate to say it, drinking alcohol is one of the single biggest reasons I stack on the kilos so i’m just going to have to slow down on my consumption rates.

- I’m looking forward to settling down when I buy a house.  I can’t believe i’m actually looking forward to downsizing, spending time on the couch, getting cable TV, riding my bike more, buying a home stereo and generally having people over for BBQ’s once a week.  I think i’m starting to grow up (if only for a second).

- I’m *loving* my tongue ring and tattoo.  If all this pain over the past two weeks has bought me, it’s bought me the courage to be a little crazy and get these things done.  Taking away my tongue ring or asking me to mask over my tattoo is the equivalent to asking me to cut one of my arms off.  Simply not going to happen.

- I want to keep writing on this page more.  I actually feel really bad that I haven’t posted in a few days and want to make this (as much as possible) a nightly endeavour.

- I miss Sydney.

Loving all your work

Adam

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