I’m not dealing very well, i’m not doing very well and i’m seeing her this weekend.
Just when I want to push her out of my head, just when I want to feel ok that she’s not in my world, she e-mails me. Every time I want her to be out of my head , just when I want to let someone else into my world, she SMS’s me.
And no matter how I try, no matter who I spend time with, I can’t seem to get her out of the front of my brain, becuase every time she starts to move anywhere towards the back of my mind (by force or otherwise), she jumps right back into my life.
I *hate* that I want to see her. No.. I hate myself for wanting to see her. I hate myself because she wants me and I know that she doesn’t want me, she just wants to be friends….
She SMS’d me last Friday night when I was out with the boys. She SMS’d me and I responded, even after I told everyone that she’d messaged me. I SMS’d her because I wanted to.
Of course she responded back and we chatted a couple of times back and forth before she dropped off the line. I didn’t send a final response, but she was stuck in my brain.
So I left it, didn’t speak to her, didn’t try to contact her. And this week I did plenty of things to keep myself occupied. And with the week i’ve had (see the last post), that actually wasn’t hard at all 
And then she e-mailed me. She e-mailed me and checked that I was up in Brisbane again (which I am) and she offered to catch up with me on Sunday afternoon.
And of course I said yes.
Of course I said yes. I said yes because I want to see her. And she doesn’t really want to see me on any other level than to be friends. She knows it, and she knows that I like her, and she’s still seeing me on Sunday afternoon*
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I want it to be ok, I want to be ok with all of this. I want to know how i’m supposed to feel and I want my life to feel like it makes sense. Because right now there are people out there who like me, who really like me, and I can’t possibly like them until I work out how to like myself just a little.
And that’s the fucking hard thing folks. There are girls out there who like me. Unbelievable. There are girls out there who like me and who *really* want to get to know me. Who want to see me, who want to date me and who quite possibly(!) even want to sleep with me. And exactly like the Nick Earl’s novel that I quote to Katie extensively when I met her (I tell her what I tell you today. Read that book and know everything there is to know about me…), I got trashed 
It’s almost funny when I think about it.
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(side track) I diverted from writing this post and forced myself to open a lot of the e-mails that I received/sent to Katie, and i’ve started the process of collating it together. So I am going to work on that post, I am going to work on making that happen, letting her see how she penetrated my world, and I how I got lost in the beauty (and shame) of just falling in love.
* I mean seriously, who the *fuck* ever catches up on a Sunday afternoon?!??!
