The last time I really posted from NZ, I was in a hotel room, crying my eyes out like a little girl. Funnily enough as I sit here today, a Friday afternoon with the world at my fingertips, i’m in exactly the same position.
This month has just really not gone in my favour. After a pretty bad start with my singledom (of which I apologise to you for not writing about!), I have had no opportunity to reflect as at exactly the moment I needed to be alone, those around me, those I care for, have needed me the most.
For all the reasons in the world I can’t (nor will I) delve into details about those situations, they are all intimate and personal, and they all suck. Either situations that are out of our control, or situations where bad luck and process has just taken a toll on a perfectly good person, i’ve spent a week with grieving friends and had no moments to myself to reflect and take stock.
And so today I feel really quite small, very vulnerable and really out of touch with my world.
My saving graces are that I will see my nephew this weekend(!) and I am categorically refusing to start my laptop, no matter the consequences come Monday when I arrive at work. I’m hoping with a few hours to myself, i’m going to steal myself away from the world and just let myself ball my fucking eyes out.
I am tired, I am emotional, I am unable.
For the mum that I want to talk to, but I can’t because she’s in pain, to the friends who need me who i’ve not been there I feel an overwhemling sense of guilt and anger towards myself. I haven’t meant to miss anyone this week though i’ve feel like i’ve failed you all.
I want things to be right, I want you to know that i’d do anything for you, and I want me to know that it’s ok to not be 100%.
I thought I was doing ok, though I realise now that my pain and anguish, particularly when it comes to love is actually a whole lot deeper than i’d ever considered. I see now that the pain of my breakup with Kath is very real, I realise that the pain of the Katie situation has really devastated me and that I need to take stock and to acknowledge that it hurts.like.fucking.hell when I think about how happy I was with them.
I think I need to acknowledge that I miss them, I miss them for two totally different reasons, and I need to let myself be ok with those feelings.
I’m starting to realise that i’m not ok right now and that I really need to do something about that.
And it took giving myself up for the world (and failing miserably) this week to make me realise that.
Adam
