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How many people do you know that watch comedies that bawl their eyes out at the end…..?  Probably not many i’m guesing….

When this movie is released in Australia, you.must.watch.it – Stranger Than Fiction…..

———–

Here’s the final scene, it’s all narrative ……

As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok.  

Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian Sugar Cookies.  

And fortunately when there aren’t any cookies, we still find reassurance ………..  in a familiar hand on our skin

…. or a kind and loving gesture

…. or a subtle encouragement

…. or a loving embrace

…. or an offer of comfort.

 Not too mention hospital guerneys and nose plugs.

…….  And a little danish

…. and soft spoken secrets

…. and fender strat acasters

…. and maybe the occassional the piece of fiction…

And we must remember all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtelties, which we assume only accessorise our days are in fact here for a much larger and  nobler cause  …………

…….  they are here to save our lives.

I know the idea seems stranges.  But I also know that it however happens to be true.

And so it was,  .. that a wrist watch, saved Harold Crick.

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

ed: Today (15/05/07) I look back and this and laugh, but I also realise that this was how I felt at the time, and that’s why this is published hered…..

Dammit I can’t get this to format, so download the Word Document of it

Click here for all the juicy details.

Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

*smile* – I never thought I’d ever write a ‘Dear Katie’ letter…. (heck, I never thought I’d write a ‘Dear Anyone’ letter, but hey).

It is at defined moments in ones life when one has an ephiphany of sorts, and realises that to truly live, one needs to accept where they are in the universe and to let some things go.

With that in mind it’s time for me to let you go Katie…..

I could spend pages telling you my thoughts and feelings and what I thank has happened.  I could spend pages trying to make you see something that I want you to see, what I think is better for you, and how I think you’re making a mistake, and how the universe would be so much better if you were with me.

But you know what, you’re not me Katie, and I shouldn’t be telling you how to live your life or what you need to be feeling…. And right now, I don’t believe you’re in any kind of position to be open for those things to happen. (Ed: I sincerely apologise, that’s not meant to come across as derogatory, it’s simply my observation of the pain that I perceive that I see in you)
 
That journey, only you can take it, and I had completely forgotten that until today.  In wanting the very best for you (and I genuinely do), I forgot that I can’t make it all better, I can’t always take away someone elses’ pain and even if the answers that I have are right for me, it doesn’t mean that they’re right for you.

So for that, I apologise. 

———

I love you Katie, I know it now as much as I’ve known it since that morning when we laid in your bed and we opened up to each other and I smiled for the first time in a very long time.  And I was happy.  And for that, I’ll always (always) be grateful, because it’s moments like that, no matter what happens, that will stay with me in my heart, and they are feelings I had long since locked away years before…..
However, for your own reasons (and I’m not going to assume to know what they are), you don’t love me.  And to be frank, I deserve for someone to love and cherish me in exactly the same way that I love you.

So I’m going to be unselfish and I’m going to let you go Katie, because I do love you, and to truly love someone is to set them free.

I wish you the absolute happiness in life that you deserve, and in another time and space, if/when you ever want to catch up with me (for all the right reasons), then I’ll be here.

A xx (x’s are the hugs, right? )

Ps – Do me that favour and watch the movie, Stranger Than Fiction.  I sincerely believe there’s a fantastic message in it, and now that I’m letting you go you can truly know that I want you to watch it for you, and not for my own agenda.

Pps – This is possibly some of the most appalling grammar I’ve ever seen, I’m sure you understand that today is a fairly emotional day and you’ll let me off the hook just this once 

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

——————————————————————————–

From: Adam
Sent: Thursday, 29 March 2007 8:55
Subject: RE: this week

I have some bad news team, my grandma passed away at 4:15 this morning…
She had family even for extended visits last night and was lucid and cheery.  She slipped away quietly this morning and at her wishes was DNR and no surgery so it was quick and painless.
Family is getting together at 2:00pm so i’ll let you know what’s happening from there.
A

——————————————————————————–

From: Adam
Sent: Wednesday, 28 March 2007 10:33
Subject: re: this week

Sorry to be boring everyone, it’s been a heck of a week and i’m really grateful that people have been so kind to ask what’s been happening…
There has been an unexpected but great turn of events.  At this moment in time my grandma is awake, lucid and currently recovering in hospital. 
Effectively the downside is that she has a clot, and it will burst eventually.  And when it does she has specifically noted that she doesn’t want surgery, which means we’ll lose her.  The timelines could be 2 minutes or 2 years, though as a heavy precaution we’re keeping her in the hospital for 2-3 weeks until she stabilises, though we’re still taking it one day at a time and i’m enjoying whatever time I can with her.
I’m staying up here to support the family (particularly Dad who’s finding it really tough) and honestly I just need some time out, so still at the hospital but online.
Thanks for all your kind words, I appreciate it a great deal.
AJ
——————————————————————————–

 —–Original Message—–
From: Adam
Sent: Monday, 26 March 2007 8:06 am
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: This week 

Is not turning out to be great folks..  My grandmother is about to pass away, and I’m currently living/working out of the Royal Brisbane Hospital. 

Currently my flight back home is booked for a weeks time (first thing Monday morning), though I could be back earlier.

As you can imagine I’m not feeling 120% at this time so I apologise if I’m short with anyone or unnecessarily overreact, this month is just not doing me any favours.

Thanks for all your patience guys, I’ll keep you in the loop on progress.

Adam Uncategorized

And some things that I want to take some time to write about today (or, over the next few days…)

- I’ve met a couple of very nice girls that I like.  I don’t know how this makes me feel with the whole Katie thing.  I don’t trust myself to make decisions about any of them, though I have seen the impact that girls have on my life when i’m following them around with my tongue hanging on the floor (ie I get hurt, they walk away, I whine like fuck to all my friends about it)…..

[I was talking about Katie there, the other girls are very normal and I speak to them every couple of days, date once a week.. ie normal]

- I’m buying a house.  This year I am going to buy a house.  I am going to buy a house that needs renovation.  I have decided that I want something that defines me a little more.  Someone very wise said to me a few weeks ago. “Look at your life Adam, to me, you look like a 30-year old bachelor [i'm 29 thankyou very much!] living with a 30-year old bachelor and all you two do is drink beer and spend money…… What do girls see when they walk into your apartment?”

And I realised he was right.  What girls see when they walk into my apartment is a temporary life, no attachments, no  commitments and I can hop up and run away at any moment.  That’s not really a life, is it?  If I have to renovate a house, I have to make decisions on it, I have to care for it and importantly, I have to stop spending money on idyllic pursuits that don’t make me happy and actually invest in something that does.

- I want to learn how to play the guitar.  This comes after buying the house.  I love music, I love acoustic.  The combination of no money and plenty of spare time with a new house means a cheap pursuit is on my horizon.  I think that expressing musically will give me a great deal of release.

- My nephew is the best looking young man in.the.entire.world (ok, so maybe i’ve said that a few times )….

Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants

We caught up…….  For 7 hours……  We caught up and we had a great time. 

Katie did and said all the right things, offered to watch a video with me when I made a recommendation, made me soup and icecream for dinner, asked me to stay and watch Greys Anatomy, stayed up with me and watched What About Brian and then offered for me to stay the night (upstairs, ie not with her)…. 

I thanked her, said no and went home.

Then I SMS’d her this: “Thanks for a great night, really enjoyed it.  I’ll let you now on progress.  And thanks for the 2 nights offers to stay, it means a lot. A

This is what I got back: No worries, that’s what friends are for!  Was really good to have a ‘normal’ night out with you.  Take care. K

—–

It is these moments that define the decisions that I need to make.  The decisions that I don’t yet have the strength to make, though that I will in time.  I am in love with Katie.  Of that I am certain.

People ask me, do you want to be in love with her?  You know, my answer is actually, yes.  It feels great to be in love, even if only for a brief moment you have a glimmer of hope…..

Adam

Adam Uncategorized rants, sex and love

To take my head away from the pain, I decided that the smartest thing I could do is…

Get my tongue piereced…. (uhhuh)

Adam

Adam Uncategorized drinking and debauchery, fitness, rants

I’m not dealing very well, i’m not doing very well and i’m seeing her this weekend.

Just when I want to push her out of my head, just when I want to feel ok that she’s not in my world, she e-mails me.  Every time I want her to be out of my head , just when I want to let someone else into my world, she SMS’s me.

And no matter how I try, no matter who I spend time with, I can’t seem to get her out of the front of my brain, becuase every time she starts to move anywhere towards the back of my mind (by force or otherwise), she jumps right back into my life.
I *hate* that I want to see her.  No.. I hate myself for wanting to see her.  I hate myself because she wants me and I know that she doesn’t want me, she just wants to be friends….

She SMS’d me last Friday night when I was out with the boys.  She SMS’d me and I responded, even after I told everyone that she’d messaged me.  I SMS’d her because I wanted to.
Of course she responded back and we chatted a couple of times back and forth before she dropped off the line.  I didn’t send a final response, but she was stuck in my brain.
So I left it, didn’t speak to her, didn’t try to contact her.  And this week I did plenty of things to keep myself occupied.  And with the week i’ve had (see the last post), that actually wasn’t hard at all

And then she e-mailed me.  She e-mailed me and checked that I was up in Brisbane again (which I am) and she offered to catch up with me on Sunday afternoon.

And of course I said yes.

Of course I said yes.  I said yes because I want to see her.  And she doesn’t really want to see me on any other level than to be friends.  She knows it, and she knows that I like her, and she’s still seeing me on Sunday afternoon*

——

I want it to be ok, I want to be ok with all of this.  I want to know how i’m supposed to feel and I want my life to feel like it makes sense.  Because right now there are people out there who like me, who really like me, and I can’t possibly like them until I work out how to like myself just a little.
And that’s the fucking hard thing folks.  There are girls out there who like me.  Unbelievable.  There are girls out there who like me and who *really* want to get to know me.  Who want to see me, who want to date me and who quite possibly(!) even want to sleep with me.  And exactly like the Nick Earl’s novel  that I quote to Katie extensively when I met her (I tell her what I tell you today.  Read that book and know everything there is to know about me…), I got trashed

It’s almost funny when I think about it.

——

(side track) I diverted from writing this post and forced myself to open a lot of the e-mails that I received/sent to Katie, and i’ve started the process of collating it together.  So I am going to work on that post, I am going to work on making that happen, letting her see how she penetrated my world, and I how I got lost in the beauty (and shame) of just falling in love.

* I mean seriously, who the *fuck* ever catches up on a Sunday afternoon?!??!

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

The last time I really posted from NZ, I was in a hotel room, crying my eyes out like a little girl.  Funnily enough as I sit here today, a Friday afternoon with the world at my fingertips, i’m in exactly the same position.

This month has just really not gone in my favour.  After a pretty bad start with my singledom (of which I apologise to you for not writing about!), I have had no opportunity to reflect as at exactly the moment I needed to be alone, those around me, those I care for, have needed me the most.

For all the reasons in the world I can’t (nor will I) delve into details about those situations, they are all intimate and personal, and they all suck.  Either situations that are out of our control, or situations where bad luck and process has just taken a toll on a perfectly good person, i’ve spent a week with grieving friends and had no moments to myself to reflect and take stock.

And so today I feel really quite small, very vulnerable and really out of touch with my world.

My saving graces are that I will see my nephew this weekend(!) and I am categorically refusing to start my laptop, no matter the consequences come Monday when I arrive at work.  I’m hoping with a few hours to myself, i’m going to steal myself away from the world and just let myself ball my fucking eyes out.
I am tired, I am emotional, I am unable.
For the mum that I want to talk to, but I can’t because she’s in pain, to the friends who need me who i’ve not been there I feel an overwhemling sense of guilt and anger towards myself.  I haven’t meant to miss anyone this week though i’ve feel like i’ve failed you all.

I want things to be right, I want you to know that i’d do anything for you, and I want me to know that it’s ok to not be 100%.
I thought I was doing ok, though I realise now that my pain and anguish, particularly when it comes to love is actually a whole lot deeper than i’d ever considered.  I see now that the pain of my breakup with Kath is very real, I realise that the pain of the Katie situation has really devastated me and that I need to take stock and to acknowledge that it hurts.like.fucking.hell when I think about how happy I was with them.

I think I need to acknowledge that I miss them, I miss them for two totally different reasons, and I need to let myself be ok with those feelings.

I’m starting to realise that i’m not ok right now and that I really need to do something about that. 

And it took giving myself up for the world (and failing miserably) this week to make me realise that.

Adam

Adam Uncategorized sex and love

Thanks to my mate Matt for introducing me to the painful lyrics of My Chemical Romance!

Read more…

Adam Uncategorized lyrics