After a bottle and a half of cheap chardonay, tonight I go for a walk….
I’m not quite sure where the journey starts or ends, but tonight I need to walk. Tonight I need to find some answers, or, maybe just to ask myself some of the questions.
I’ll let you know how it goes when I make it back.
Adam
When one become single (again), one hopefully always takes some downtime to inwardwarly reflect on the the person they’ve become, the things they did right and more than anything, to reflect on the things that they could have done better.
After 2 years and 23 days Kath and I decided to go our seperate ways…..
I have no idea where this post is going to go, because right now I really don’t know how I feel. What I do know is that as soon as it happened, the flu that was impending became the flu that has knocked me for six for over a week and it’s been effective in masking some of the pain that i’ve been experiencing.
I know that I haven’t had two weekends off in a row in 2 years and 23 days, so I feel lost and without direction and focus. I know that i’m putting on weight because i’m eating out of lack of things to do coupled with inability to walk to the shops and back without total exhaustion setting in from the flu.
I know that I have the most amazing friends in the world who have invited me out, taken me to parties, shuffled me to dinner, brunched, lunched, shopped, listened and talked all in the goal of keeping my mind off things. For those people I am absolutely and totally grateful.
I know that I haven’t cried yet, and I know that when it does come, it will cripple me a second time, making my flu seem like only a passing imposition compared to the massive hole the flood of sadness, loss and anger that will be exposed to both myself and the world when it finally decides to expose itself.
I know that we tried. I know that we tried, we loved, we argued, we hugged, we kissed, we gave it our everything.
I know that it wasn’t anything else, I know that we couldn’t have done anything to make the outcome different, and I know that, without doubt, that is the thing that hurts me the most.
I know that I want to meet people, but I definitely want to meet anyone…..
I know that it hurts like hell……
From here the instinct to run away is great. The freedom to do something crazy on the top of the priority list. The desire to search for something that I don’t quite understand, don’t quite want and don’t quite need is there. The desire to have my life back, minus all the pain is the only thing that is keeping me upright at the moment, the only thing that drives me to keep breathing, keep moving and keep living.
A few things have however come into clarity for me over the past week. Me and marriage and children are definitely out. The primal instinct to do the nuclear familly just don’t exist. I don’t need that addition to my world, my world (as I see it) is far too full as it is.
I know that i’m selfish and unkind and driven and angry and remorseless. I know that i’m never going to walk a garden-light path of happiness, I know that i’m always going to have to fight for my own inner harmony and i’m pretty confident that i’m never really going to find what i’m searching for.
Some days I don’t know why it’s all so fucking hard.
I miss my old life but i’ve had so many old lives i’ve forgotten which one that is that i’m searching for. With that in mind i’m not going to step backwards, i’m going to walk forwards, i’m going to run and stumble occassionally and i’m going to rush when rushing is not required.
What else can i do? Who else can I turn to? Who do you ask for advice when you don’t know what it is that you need to know the answers to? And am I even prepared for the answers when they’re given to me?
I know that I want Kath to be happy. I know that more than anything in this world she deserves it, and for some time now i’ve robbed her of the ability to find her ultimate life. And at the end of the day that’s when you need to be honest with yourself… honest when you ask yourself ‘is this my ultimate life’ … because if it’s not, you need to do something about it, you need to run for it, not hide from it.
Hindsight being 20/20 and all, i’m not sure how much I would change, not sure how much I would hold onto and how much I would have let go in the search of my own happiness.
Maybe when I can stop asking all these questions i’ll have found what makes me happy….
Loving all your work.
Adam
I don’t think there’s really anything else to say on the topic at this point in time……
Will talk more when i’m feeling up to talking to the world… In the meantime i’m going to keep smiling as best I can and try not to break down before Christmas…
Adam
All this and more when I get a chance to post….
5 Second higlights:
- I bungy jumped, 3 times (including the biggest in NZ.. of course)
- I drank, I drank a lot
- I put on 4 kilos, so now i’m fat
- I got everyone to party like it was 1999, and made myself the life of the party
- I earned the nickname ‘Chief’ (which yes, i’m very fond of)
- I had an amazing time
Loving all your work
Adam
