From my brother on my 28th birthday
Best birthday present you can receive on your birthday is …. Chuck Norris jokes 
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In 1969 Chuck Norris roundhoused a man towards the sky. One day later Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon.
Chuck Norris could rip off your head and shit down your neck but his shit
is far too valuable. So valuable, in fact, that it is used as currency in
some countries and is a delicacy in others.
Chuck Norris TKOed Mike Tyson in Nintendo’s Mike Tyson’s Punchout on the first try. It was so easy that after he did it he murdered a puppy.
Jack and Jill ran up the hill, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jack down and made sweet barbaric love to Jill, then they both went home crying.
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader’s father.
Jimi Hendrix didn’t die. Neither did John Bonham, John Lennon, or Janis Joplin. Chuck Norris just kidnapped them and forced them to form an all-star group for his own personal listening pleasure. The band, known as “Teapot Medallion”, performs in Chuck’s basement on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but the Friday night show is an 18 or older show, but it doesn’t matter because the only person who knows about it is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris slaps Vin Diesel whenever he feels like it.
Chuck Norris told that one kid from the Sixth Sense that he has AIDS. He then smiled.
There has been one and only one person in the history of the world to challenge Chuck Norris to a footrace. That man was a 4 time world champion track star. His name was Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris once taught a woman to love again by repeatedly punching her in the face.
Chuck Norris supports abortion. It is still unknown whether it is his attraction to killing babies or his desire to control his child support payments that fuels his support.
5 years ago Chuck Norris ate Kiefer Sutherland and shit out Jack Bauer. FOX still owes Chuck a beer.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually have a beard. What we perceive as a sexy and rugged man-beard is actually just Chuck Norris’ skin. Legend has it that if Chuck Norris actually grew a beard, every woman in the world would simultaneously orgasm, thus destroying the Earth. Chuck Norris isn’t sure if that’s true, but he thinks we’re better safe than sorry.
A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man’s gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
To save money in special effects costs in his latest film, director Peter Jackson cast Chuck Norris as King Kong. To prepare for the role, he did not shave for three days, and ate an entire college basketball team.
If you see Chuck Norris wearing shorts and wonder why you can’t see his penis hanging out, it’s because it’s tied around his leg three times.
Peter Jackson initially wanted Chuck Norris to star in Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, the entire trilogy would’ve been 12 hours shorter and full of dead hobbits.
Bill Clinton uses Chuck Norris for Sex advice.
Chuck Norris can impregnate women by simply raising his right eyebrown. He can impregnate men by raising his left eyebrow but he doesn’t bother because he doesn’t want a world like that crap Ahnuld film “Junior”.
If you say, “Chuck Norris” five times into a mirror, he will kill you with a roundhouse kick, for making an allusion to a movie that doesn’t star Chuck Norris or his beard.
No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the same time. Coincidence?
Chuck Norris once went in for a physical, and during the examination, the doctor weighed him and found that he weighed a whopping 650 pounds. Shocked at how heavy Norris was, even with how much muscle he has, the doctor asked why he weighed so much. Having been met with this inquiry many times in his life Norris simply pointed at his crotch and said, â??My penis.â??
Chuck Norris drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include yak milk, strawberry, banana, pineapple, a sprinkle of Bruce Lee’s cremated remains, and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy.
While filming an episode of “Walker Texas Ranger” the director disagreed with Chuck Norris. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the director in half. Afterwards realizing they needed a director, Chuck Norris ejaculated onto the ground, then out of the ooze rose a clone of Chuck Norris himself who then went on to direct the episode. This episode won every single Emmy award that year including best animated sitcom.
Chuck Norris has a hot or not rating of 1,000,000.
Chuck Norris made a sequel to Pretty Woman, in which he repeatedly roundhouse kicks Julia Roberts in the face for 90 minutes. He ends with the line “Not so pretty now, are ya BEEEEYATCH!!!”
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