I Still Love You
I hope you all realise that I still love you, I just haven’t been in the right head speace to come up with the words that I feel.
Well tonight i’m going to attempt a diatribe to help you all forgive me, for me to forgive myself and for me to start getting my shit together.
I turn 27 years old in 7 days and I still don’t know where to start.
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The last 3+ months have been tough. I’ve made (mostly) stupid decisions and have paid the price dearly on multiple fronts. I have continued to shun responsibility for my poor behaviour and it’s finally starting to catch up on me and i’ve failed to rectify the wrongs.
Financially i’m not in a good place. My continuous rounds of drinking have seen me in the doctors times quite a few times over the past months and i’m realising that if I don’t curb my activities soon they’re going to start to do some permanent damage.
I have, however, met somebody. And she is absolutely beautiful.
I haven’t told anybody because of the timeframe between when I met her as it was so soon after I’d broken up with my ex. I didn’t want people to judge and I wasn’t ready to commit to even the possibility of falling for anybody in any kind of emotional capactiy.
Problem is kids, is that I *have* fallen for her and i’m just not admiting it to myself, or anybody else for that matter.
Well that stops today. People, readers, fans, hangers on, casual lurkers, stumblers into my domain…. I’ve met somebody.
I have fallen for her. I don’t know when it hit me but it was most likely in the last couple of weeks. When I started to get scared and go out drinking more and generally acting up like a fool and not keeping my mind focused on what’s important I realised that my intense behaviours and fears was due to the single, undeniable fact that i’m falling for this girl and i’m scared beyond out of my wits.
I went away for a boys weekend this weekend and I missed her. Even though we were being boys and having fun and being debaucherous I really didn’t need to be there. I really wanted to be with her, hanging out and spending time. I wanted her to be there.
So what to do about this dilema. Well I think that the next few months represents some individual channels that i’m going to need to follow through with:
- Get a new job (it’s a work in progress folks, career, job, pay packet)
- Cut back on the drinking (already in progress, restricted to one night a week starting today)
- Commit to the girl (can’t live life without submitting yourself to it, and if I want her to be around i’m going to have to work on it)
- Move out with a mate (offer I can’t [financially] refuse, though the move is going to hurt a lot)
- Start this damn podcasting thing (it’s actually further along than you think, i’ve just got to put the hours in and the commitment…. soon, Eve and Adam on radio, together, uncut!)
- Update here more often
I’m thinking that the time for bullshitting with the boys (and myself) is over. I’ve had my fun but i’m realising that deep down inside i’m not that person, i’ve just allowed myself to (once again) skew off into a path that’s both dangerous and stupid for me and I hate myself for what it’s making me become. And I have nobody but myself to blame for it.
All I have to do now is fix it.
Loving all your work
Adam
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<p>hehe</p>
<p>Loving all your work<br />
Adam</p>
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