This post may take me a while to get out.
The last few weeks have presented the best and worst of what life has to offer. My waning sense of pleasure from my professional life and entrance back into the single world has left me mentally and physically exhausted and I am at a loss as to where I should be going next.
I endured our Christmas party last night, and instead of the usual mingling, playful contact and outgoing nature which will usually surface was inwardly turned upon my arrival at the front door to meet my ex and the Head Office crew. If anger could be bottled, i’d sell them on the black market and be rich. Which I must say pains me, mainly due to the concern that my ex has done the right thing by her and subsequently it is time to move on, to be alone, to be afraid and generally to start to live again. She has lost weight and looks great, she’s a great person and I truly wish that she can/will process all those harboured ill-feel and turn it into something positive in her life.
But alas, that is not my journey and I have no say in her interactions with the outside world.
Mainly the party was a flop. I was called off early to save another ‘friend’ (I use that term loosely at this stage). Married and unhappy she has latched herself onto me (this is what you get for being nice) and i’m simply not interested on several discrete levels. None-the-less I do know what it’s like to be stuck at a party you don’t want to be a part of, and I desperately needed to remove myself from my party so I took a stroll up, talked some sanity into the girl and sent her on her way.
At some other stage in the party I ended up have a d&m with the most unlikely of people and was horrified to realise that she (unfortunately) sees right through me. As my avid readers (all 12 of you 
) will know, nothing scares me more than somebody who sees through my thin facade of a life. Conversations aside I flirted dangerously with her staff, was reprimanded for such behaviour and promised to keep everything above board. A few phone numbers later and I was off to the Retro where, lo-and-behold I bumped into Eve and friends. I suppose this solves the mystery of who gave up their ticket at the last possible second. About 7 seconds of forced conversation later and a look from her friends that I only expected from my ex I removed myself, headed inside and kicked up my heels with some of the Teleservices crew.
I found myself walking home shortly after three, 3 close interludes but nothing more than a kiss on the cheek later and crashed out for a few hours.
As a complete side note, i’ll jump into a mini-rant about flirting. I love flirting with people. It’s fun and freedom and almost a little naughty without ever crossing that line. My parents are both brilliant at it and i’m guessing that’s where it comes from. I’m not ready for anything serious (or even non-serious) at this stage, i’m just looking to have fun and take it one day at a time.
Thus endeth my mini-rant on flirting.
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Today however has been a little eye opening. With everybody bailing early last night and everybody else securing plans for tonight, I think i’ll find myself in a 20 hour rut of just me, me and me in the house alone. Whilst usually comforting and an opportunity to relax and unwind, I realise today that i’ve been sleeping very little of late and my anxiety level of being on my own is far higher than it should be. Hence tonight I will force my hand, stay at home and read a book.
Tomorrow i’m thinking a long sleep in, breakfast at Broadway and a few hours at work will do the trick. I’ve got some PIR’s to write and quite a bit of HR documentation to get through in a relatively short timeframe so taking some time out to not think will probably do me the world of good.
I know what I need to be doing at this point, all I have to remember is that adjustment takes time. I can’t rush or force myself or others to make things speed along. I can’t cover up what’s going on in my head and I need to realise that everyone has their own pace. I can’t force my ex or her friends or my friends or even me.
Sometimes you just have to be….
Loving all your work.
A
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