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The thing with my emotions right now is that I am with this song in parts, though not quite there with others.

For me, right now, this song represents the realisation that I have made mistakes and that I can’t go back to where I was. I miss her terribly. No, scrap that. I miss the ‘idea’ of her there. I wish that I could be there and do the right thing and not have been such a bastard.

It’s funny right now. I am sad but i’m also incredibly happy. There are great things happening. I’m having heaps of fun and stretching my wings which is something that I need to do right now. However one needs to remember that they made mistakes, did the wrong things, could have done things better, could have treated people better.

I don’t want to submerse myself in misery, but I don’t want to run away from the fact that I need to process everything that’s going on. I’m happy to be living my life now and I want only the best for my ex, more than anything.

I suppose you come to the point where you realise that the past has happened and the future starts where you let it. When is the right moment to let go, move on and start something afresh, and when is the right moment to hold on, not give up, not cave in.

I haven’t been the best friend, mate or partner of late. I am starting to see a more clear picture of why that is now. I didn’t let myself settle, didn’t let myself find my own feet down here. Didn’t let myself be lonely when I needed to be. Didn’t take the time to just be on my own. My beginnings were so frantic, I had so much happening that I just wanted someone to be there.

Now i’ve taken that journey, in a strange way, but nevertheless I live with what i’ve done and I move on.

——-

ed: You know what? If I go back over my posts of the last 12-18 months, I do this cycle. I’m a bastard of a friend, partner, lover, worker, sibling. Then one day I get completely burnt because I accept no responsibility for what i’ve done, who i’ve become and why i’m not as happy as i’d have otherwise hoped. And you know what, whilst i’m not entirely proud of that, I can’t say to myself that I haven’t tried, that I won’t keep trying or that i’m a bad person. I know i’ve fucked things up, and that has to be my journey.

What I do need to do is continue to be grateful for the people that are still there, still lurking and still loving me even when I don’t think that I deserve. Those are the people that will be around for a long time, through the thick and the thin.

They’re the people who can call me, ask me to bury the body and i’d drive the car. (You know the types of friends i’m talking about).

Thankyou to all of you. I am honestly a very lucky person to have people like you in my life.

p.s - I’m not giving up. I’m going to keep working at it. I know I will get there in the end. Nobody said the journey was going to be easy though.

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city?s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she?s part of something that you lost

[chorus]

And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she?s moving further from you
There was nothing that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you that she?s walking wrong

[chorus]

Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

[chorus]

For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be