11.06.04

How it came to pass

Posted in Uncategorized at 18:14 by Adam

Today I wasn’t given an opportunity to face up to being a man, I was forced into it kicking and screaming, and I still have to face up to the consequences on more than one front…

The girl and I are now officially over…..

From the first time that I met her I knew that there was something special about her. The way she conducted herself, the way she sounded and her very presence was something that I can’t begin to define. I knew it was something special….

Now i’d like to say that we all go on to live happily every after, but unfortunately with my track record for rushing, ruining and running have proven time and time again, I have once again fucked things up with a very special girl.

This time I didn’t just ruin it for me, but I have been dragging another female along in the picture. By not cutting my friend loose from a friendship that was always on my terms, always to my benefit and never to the meeting of minds that two people would share, I have taken away a vital part of what it means to have friends, and I have abused the trust that comes with any relationship.

Meanwhile, I have slowly (but surely) destroyed my relationship by not prioritising my feelings for the one that I love with the one that I just like. I have not been fair to either of them, I have tagged them both along for the ride and now I am paying ultimate price.

I have lost her, and for that I cannot forgive myself, nor look myself properly in the mirror. I am ashamed at how little value I placed on her as a person, as my partner and as my friend. She was a second class citizen to my own dalliances with work, friends, co-workers, nights at the pub and anything else that upset my routine of perfection and grandeur.

Of my friend, I have played her and taken something from her that I can’t ever hope to give back. Her self respect. I have taken somebody who likes me far too much and abused that trust for my own ends and means. It is only now that I realise how much of the friendship rules I broke. When did I become so fucked up?

As the friend reads this website, I beg you to forgive me, and beg that you try to understand where I haven’t been able to the things that I have done. Maybe in due course I will have an opportunity to completely apologise to you and show you the shame and guilt that I feel. Right now I must take this journey alone, I must remove myself and I must find out how I can grow so that I don’t make these same mistakes again.

For the girl who I loved more than any other i’ve ever loved prior (who doesn’t read this). I am sorry. I am so sorry with all of my heart and soul. I have betrayed you and not been there for you. I have used you and not cared when I should have, not helped when you’ve needed my help and not shown you every single day how you were the most important thing to me through my thoughts, and more importantly, my actions.

I understand now. I understand that had I made you my number one priority and not allowed my dalliances to get in the way that I might have still been with you. I might not have fucked it up so badly. But this I unfortunately cannot undo. May you have a beautiful and amazing life. I will always love you and miss you. Thankyou for being such a special segment of my life, I will miss every part of it.

……

Regards
A

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