When I consider my actions of the past weeks I am overwhelmed with a strong sense of guilt, a strong sense of pain and this is in stark contrast to the happiness I have felt.
There’s always a girl isn’t there.. :)…. whenever life strikes us with some crushing decision, there’s usually always a girl involved.
I won’t apologise for the way I feel. It is not something i’m in control of, nor do I want to be in control of it. I feel how I feel and have had a long journey filled with all the usual pain and suffering that most endure before they find somebody they really connect with.
However, that does not excuse or condone my actions. I am not writing this to ask for sympathy (hence I waited a few days before I said anymore of my last post) but I do want people to understand that i’m only human and there’s a story behind this journey.
…
Quite some time ago I made a promise, a promise that I should never have made and subsequently a promise that I broke.
Pragmatically I have genuinely been flat out on my trip down to Sydney and have really not had the time to spend with people i’ve wanted to see.
I’m also working on spending my last (and precious) time divided up as evenly as possible with those that I love in Brisbane and in Bundaberg. There are massive changes coming which will shape both my personal and professional lives and take me in an unknown direction.
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FWIW, it was the girl who pulled me up. She told me (in no uncertain terms) that what I was doing was dishonourable and showed no respect to the person(s) that I was hurting. Had it not been for her I would have hidden behind the cloak of my own fears until the situation came to a head in a particularly unpleasant fashion.
Ironic that my fear of commitment is so ingrained that I can’t accept that I have let someone get close and now the only way out is to cause them pain. I thought I was trying to protect this perons interests. The only interests I was protecting where my own (I see that now)
I don’t want it to end badly, but I do accept my actions as my own. I do understand people’s need to be protective and to make a judgement of me based on what they’ve seen. I respect that, I would do the same.
Happiness is not something that comes easy. It takes time and patience and diligence and pain and suffering. I am in the middle of a whirlpool now and everybody wants a piece of me that I don’t have the energy to provide. I miss my friends and family dearly but understand that I need to take this step, need to take that leap.
For the first time in my life i’m committing to something. I’m committing to finding my own happiness. That is not supposed to be at anyones expense, I don’t want it to be, but I understand that some things must happen and life must go on.
