…..
When I consider my actions of the past weeks I am overwhelmed with a strong sense of guilt, a strong sense of pain and this is in stark contrast to the happiness I have felt.
There’s always a girl isn’t there.. 
…. whenever life strikes us with some crushing decision, there’s usually always a girl involved.
I won’t apologise for the way I feel. It is not something i’m in control of, nor do I want to be in control of it. I feel how I feel and have had a long journey filled with all the usual pain and suffering that most endure before they find somebody they really connect with.
However, that does not excuse or condone my actions. I am not writing this to ask for sympathy (hence I waited a few days before I said anymore of my last post) but I do want people to understand that i’m only human and there’s a story behind this journey.
…
Quite some time ago I made a promise, a promise that I should never have made and subsequently a promise that I broke.
Pragmatically I have genuinely been flat out on my trip down to Sydney and have really not had the time to spend with people i’ve wanted to see.
I’m also working on spending my last (and precious) time divided up as evenly as possible with those that I love in Brisbane and in Bundaberg. There are massive changes coming which will shape both my personal and professional lives and take me in an unknown direction.
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FWIW, it was the girl who pulled me up. She told me (in no uncertain terms) that what I was doing was dishonourable and showed no respect to the person(s) that I was hurting. Had it not been for her I would have hidden behind the cloak of my own fears until the situation came to a head in a particularly unpleasant fashion.
Ironic that my fear of commitment is so ingrained that I can’t accept that I have let someone get close and now the only way out is to cause them pain. I thought I was trying to protect this perons interests. The only interests I was protecting where my own (I see that now)
I don’t want it to end badly, but I do accept my actions as my own. I do understand people’s need to be protective and to make a judgement of me based on what they’ve seen. I respect that, I would do the same.
Happiness is not something that comes easy. It takes time and patience and diligence and pain and suffering. I am in the middle of a whirlpool now and everybody wants a piece of me that I don’t have the energy to provide. I miss my friends and family dearly but understand that I need to take this step, need to take that leap.
For the first time in my life i’m committing to something. I’m committing to finding my own happiness. That is not supposed to be at anyones expense, I don’t want it to be, but I understand that some things must happen and life must go on.
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If you’re reading this you’ll note that my post is erratic at best. For those that know me to my core you will understand that i’m erratic because my stress levels are off the charts.
Nothing comes in a perfect wrapping. To the person I have hurt, I am so sorry. I did not mean for my happiness to come at your expense. I didn’t mean for my happiness to come at anyones expense.
I made the choices and decisions and other people have pulled me up. Friends and loved ones who were not involved have been the one’s to point me in the right direction. For that direction I am truly grateful.
Life is a precious precious resource. Embrace it and take risks, be happy at as many turns as you can and forgive yourself for your own mistakes. I know i’m trying to.
Adam
Uncategorized
I reckon you need to calm down.
Take a deep breath, step back and make some decisions based on what you want and need, not what you think others think you should wan’t or need.
While selected people and events may have the ability to significantly change you or your life, you’re the only one who can complete that process.
People hurt other people every day, its an unfortunate fact of life that everyone has to deal with.
Made some mistakes? While it pains me to say this, Beer is not the answer… neither is Xbox, movies, trips to new places, or life consuming hobbies.
At certain points in life one must make decisions for themselves, and themselves alone. Other people may get hurt in that process, its unfortunate, but everything has its cost. With time and honesty wounds heal, they may heal togther or they may heal apart, but they will heal.
I don’t know where you are at, at this point in time, but you know where to find me if you want to talk.
In my short time here I have hurt people, but I have also gained the love and respect of many many more (I didn’t buy it either, though always having chocolate in the fridge helps), by doing nothing more than standing up for what I beleive in, what I beleive is correct, and most importantly, by having the courage to revise said beleifs in line with what I know about the world, and occasionally slapping myself upside the head (with a little help from some willing participants fo course)
People make mistakes, everyone is learning all the time, and thats more than ok. No-one is perfect, could you image how boring that would be?
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but the needs of the many can’t be met if the few havent taken the time to help themselves first. Its kind of like trying to breathe before swimming to the top of the pool…
there’ll be lots of strange gurgling noises…
I guess what I’m trying to say is slap yourself upside the head, then swim to the top of the pool, take a deep breath and go sit in the sauna for a while, its a good palce to think about who you are and what you’re about.
In the end it only matters what you think about yourself. If you’re not comfortable with yourself you’ll never let anyone in.
and remember that people only get angry because they care… the two go hand in hand I’m afraid.
ok I’m done rambling now
Its probably not all relevant, but you get that…
**NB: The above are just sugestions and the author takes no responsibility for them, nor does he have any clue about wtf has been going on, he just felt the need to ramble on for a bit. While half in response to Adams post, its not all directed at him… hopefuly it might stimulate some discussion to show that while it blows to intentionally hurt someone, it blows even harder if the hurter deosnt learn from the experience**
Hey dude…don’t quite know what’s going on, but you are still welcome to give me a call when you’re in Sydney. Hope this whole thing sorts itself out…