[note: I've been cutting back on the foul language, but today I *really am* just ranting and raving because i've honestly got no clue why I feel like I do. So..... if you don't mind me swearing like there's no tomorrow, please keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times and here we go]
[adam mode when he's got no clue why he feels bad]
I wish I wish I wish… I wish I knew what the fuck was going on and why I can’t stand having any contact with anybody for more than 5 minutes without wanting to retreat back to my room.
I haven’t left my apartment in days outside of work (though i’m spending a large amount of time on the premises)… I’m starting to worry incessantly, I haven’t seen the other side of 5 continuous hours of sleep in as long as I can remember. I’ve become careless and reckless, though in reality i’m sheltering myself from some unknown fear or issue.
I’ve got no fucking clue why either…..
I’m shutting people out, and quite frankly I could just stay curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself if only I actually knew what’s going on in my head. I’m terrified of my own shadow and i’m become reckless in my behaviour (thank god i’m not sleeping with anyone, i’d be really in fucking trouble then!)….
note: at least I learnt *one* thing from the last time I got myself into trouble, avoid contact with the opposite sex at all costs!
I’m evasive and non-committal about everything. Even when I do commit I run away at the first possible instance. I break promises and don’t really care though I know i’m just trying to protect myself.
—-
Interlude..
‘Hey, I told you I was feeling sorry for myself, if you’re still here and pissed at me, take your grievances elsewhere… I feel bad, this is my blog, my thoughts, my feelings. Because I don’t know what they represent doesn’t mean i’m not entitled to them!’
*sigh*
—
This is *not* the time to be fucking losing it. I have responsibilities on multiple levels. If I don’t pick my act up really fucking quickly i’ll be sleeping in a gutter for my first three days of holidays i’ve pissed the girl off that much.
Going back to Sydney has unleashed a primal d mon in my. Last time I went down I experienced the most excruciating pain, the most eventful series of events and one moment of freedom that I never expected. It was the culmination of everything in my life and it is the reason why I finally decided to get my shit together once and for all.
I’m opening up a Pandora’s box of vacated memories, embedded happiness and sorrow and a universe of guilt that I can’t seem to wrap my head around. I have a headache that hasn’t left me in days and I feel so sorry for myself i’m finding it difficult to breathe (ed: yep, thanks to ‘as good as it gets’ for that line).
Where is this journey going to take me? I think that’s probably the question that’s running through my head. On one hand I accept my fate and destiny to a certain point, but I crave the control of both my emotions and the emotions of others. If nothing else my last trip to Sydney proved that I am (by no means) in control of what I feel or what others feel.
I’m selfish and I don’t care right now. Actually, I do care i’m just too scared to face up to the reality of situation that’s in front of me.
I don’t want to ruin friendships, I don’t want to face up to my past, I don’t want to know why it hurts, and I don’t want to accept the consequences of my actions, or the emotional turmoil that I might create others.
(ed: Yes, i’m trying to run away. No, i’m not asking for acceptance or sympathy for my actions, merely acceptance that they are my feelings, nothing more and nothing less).
The decisions that we make can enslave us forever. I have been raised to be cautious and cynical of my world and my environment. I never take anything at face value, nor do I trust. My desire to understand is merely a desire to be control of the uncontrollable elements in my world. I am skewed in my capacity to judge, though I judge recklessly and expect others not to. I don’t want to wake up with a head full of regret, nor do I want anyone else to as I (and they) have done so many times before.
The reality never matches the fantasy people. It’s an illussion created by a slip of wrist and by the person who critiques Adam the most, Adam. Subsequently all the sass and attitude in the world has no impact, I have already judged myself far beyond human recognition, and i’m never really happy with what I see.
—
I just want to let go. I want to say what I think and feel but i’m not prepared for the consequences of my actions. I’m running away and I know it.
Seems everybody who’s close to me sees it even more than I do.
[/adam mode when he's got no clue why he feels bad]
…
Adam
(ed: I have done no spelling or grammatical checks on this post… that will come later when i’m out of my dump-mode)
