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Last Edited: 29/02/04 - 21:15

Bridge Climb

Let me explain this in the simplest fashion possible.

When we were just starting our ascent, a group who had finished walked through the door. None of them said a word and they all quite frankly looked quite non-plussed about the whole ordeal. I remember distinctly thinking that I would’ve expected them to be cheering and panting and high-fiving all over the place.

When I arrived at the bottom of the stares, I looked exactly the same…… but i’d had one of the most unique experiences of my life.

…

I’ve done a few extreme sports in my time, and the bridge climb for sheer ‘wow’ factor is right up there with the best of them. The realisation of the height you are at is most evident in the first ten minutes of the climb, but the leaders intelligently don’t tell you this until you’re in the middle of lanes 7 and 8, trains and cars rushing by as you climb up the thinnest ladders in history.

My expectation was for the ‘arch’ to be where the fear was, but once we were on the arch we were absolutely fine. Walking along the miniature walkways and 5 flights of stairs at an almost vertical ascent was were I was absolutely terrified. I don’t care who you are, this is an intense experience.

When we hit the arch is was just amazing. The nightscape of Sydney is unbelievable from that height, and the realisation that you’re on the widest span arch bridge in the world is all-too-evident every time you look down and realise you’re barely a pebble in the larger context of the structure.

I could write for days about the details, the atmosphere and the exhilaration, but none of my words will do the experience justice. Without doubt the best $175 I spent on my holidays was on that climb. I will be back to do it again (at least once!) in the future.

p.s - The army-style setup/training/leadership of the leaders significantly enhances the trust and respect factor when you’re doing the climb. I now realise how much more comfortable I was that our leader continued to ‘power on’ and ensure that we all made it through the course in one piece.

150% on the execution of the system. From checking to clothing to handkerchiefs, glasses and everything in between they had it covered. Awesome.

p.p.s - Lommy who was our leader has taken the bridge climb 742 times….. two climbs a day is an 8-hour stint and she earns more money from that than working as a PA in Sydney’s CBD. Bitch

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I had the opportunity to (finally) catch up with Mario and his lovely wife Pam last night. And an absolutely fantastic night it was.

Now as a subset of the recollection of my evening, I want to take particular instance to both admit my own prejudice and ignorance to the interactions and personality of certain individuals.

I have, in the past, certainly felt that Pam had a different personality type to my own, concurrently we have never had the opportunity to sit down and get to know each other. After talking with her animatedly last night until almost 1am, my only regret is that it had to end and that I hadn’t spoken to her, at length, earlier on.

However a I feel that the changes that have permeated over the past months have been a catalyst for the interactions (positive) that I encountered last night. There is always something to be said for age and wisdom….

The night was sparsed with conversational points such as politics, human rights, sociology, arts, theatre, opera and the redfern ‘riots’ which have caught so much attention over the past weeks here in Sydney.

I was fascinated and engaged on topics of both her career goals, personal satisfactions and desires for a better future for herself, her husband and (in the future) her children. Pam has completed both her degree and her masters and continually strives for educational excellence against an initial backdrop of parental discourse, something I had not been aware of until last nigh .

It makes me realise that we must continually evaluate the relationships in our lives and work to break down those prejudice barriers that we erect. We need to be sure that the judgement calls that we make are valid within the context of time and space. It had been 6 years since I met Pam and last night I got to know her as a person.

Her generosity and hospitality were fantastic and I look forward to catching up with them both when they come to Brisbane at Easter.

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Oh yeah, I went and had dinner with Mario and one of his work mates too
….. Beer, steak, comics, bullshit and childish humour…. the usual
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Ok… now that i’ve sucked up to within an inch of my life!

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Went and visited the Three centre yesterday. I have to (quite frankly) say that I was absolutely appalled at the poor level of technical assistance, sales or support wrapped in a very glossy shell.

I *wanted* to buy one of these video phones recently brought out by NEC, all the salesman had to do was give me a run-down of the hardware, answer some basic technical questions (battery life, case questions [does the extended life battery fit inside the case]) and actually show me the video phone component work (well, it’s a gimmick but i’d use it!)

They failed miserably on all three parts (no, no irony there) and I left the building feeling despondent and irritated at their inability to get the product into my hands.

Three, a few words of advice:

- Do NOT have you manager there abusing your phone-support team about a request which they have fucked up. Makes you (and more importantly the backend support people) look unprofessional.

- Have test phones that actually work (really people)

- Have some basic understanding of how the phone actually works. Things like battery life and cases are a dime-a-dozen and (in my situation as i’m sure they are for most peoples) are important tidbits before I commit.

- Don’t argue with clients in a public arena when even I could see that they’re right…

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I’m back in Manly today as the rain has decided to settle in, so my trip to Australia’s Wonderland had to be cancelled.

That means a day of books and sleep before heading out for the (in?)famous $5 steak deal and steins of beer by the hour. I fear what I might look like tomorrow.

Tomorrow is scheduled for the monorail and i’ll be taking a visit to the museum again. Friday will probably bring a visit to the Caravaggio exhibit. We’ll see how it all goes.

—

It’s going to be incredibly strange leaving Sydney and going back to Bundaberg on Sunday and i’m really not forward to not being here. All the time i’ve spent here has felt homely and I know it will take me a few days to readjust to the North QLD lifestyle again.

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Rachel: Yes, I will catch up with Amanda again upon my return! (sorta realised that I avoided the topic when you asked me… I have a way of doing that!)

Loving all your work
Adam

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yes.. yes all of you.. i’m lost without all of you around.. the electrons and the bytes still dictate my existence…

I haven’t read what everybody else has written, so i’m going to give my own rundown on the events that shaped the past 4/5/? days…

- Arrived on Thursday and after scaring a few of the passengers whilst being secretly jealous that they were going to the Jewel concert without me I met up with Eve at the train station.

We slipped into comfortable mode really quickly and it was good just to get some zone-out time both in the pool and around the house. Not much occurred other than some food, some alcohol (hmm, beer) and aforementioned swimming. In-in-all a good night.

Friday

- Shopping day. Now I must stress here first and foremost the serious kudos that is to Eve’s best friend Sarah. As readers may know, our first interaction was b no means on the best of terms, but from her entry in the door (of her apartment) to all the generosities she has shown me, i’m grateful, moved and in slight awe. I always understood why she protected Eve in the way she did, but was never quite sure if things would ever be OK with us. Appears that they’ll be just fine.

Did the shopping thing. I bought what I was told and came home with some change out of $1,000 … nice…. Everything I thought i’d never buy I did, and it started the first stage of me being a permanent whore to the clothing and accessories industry.

Also picked up the keys for the Manly apartment and reveled in the gorgeousness that is Air Conditioning.

Friday night was spent out at Coogee beach with the always-attractive Caraxus. Verdict: A very funny and talented Sydney-boy who I will inevitably spend many nights of drinking and debauchery with. And his significant other has a fantastic rack :).

Saturday

ed: Neither Eve nor myself can remember what we did on Saturday morning.. collective memory of a gnat folks….

(Of course) I do however remember that I went to the beach and got photos of both Eve and Rach. I am possibly the luckiest man in the world at this point in time.

Oh yeah, and we had Oportos for lunch… it’s like Nandos….. but not as good
Stayed at Manly on Saturday night, slept in.

Sunday

Kickass breakfast .. dribble… you know the stop-your-heart-and-destroy-your-immune-system complete breakfast that makes you keel over in pain from the fat content alone.. uhhuh.. one of those…. oh yes
Also caught up with some culture, saw the Art Gallery and trailed through some of the parks that this fine city has to offer. Missed out on the Tropfest, but was simply too tired to keep myself awake any longer.

Caugh up with an old uni friend, but was too tired to be decent company and slept.

Monday

- Centrepoint tower.. Stressed for the first ten minutes, then the Vertigo-fear disappeared and I was lounging all over the glass walls enjoying the view. I’m thinking i’ll have the same kind of fear when I climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge, but i’m looking forward to it nonetheless.

- Walking tour of the city. Inspired by some of the items discussed with the tour guides, I set out to absorb a little of the city in my wake and warm to these new clothes/shoes/accessories/lack of phone setup that i’ve had going for the past few days.

Tuesday

- Lunch with some of the work kids and writing on this blog :). Tonight i’m off to see my man Mario (another uni mate who I can be childish around) and an overnight stay in the middle of b-f Idaho before returning tomorrow.

Rest of the week

- Australia’s Wonderland (heard they’re shutting it down so I want to get out there)
- Monorail journey
- Taronga Park Zoo (?)
- $5 steaks and cheap beer with Caraxus and Co at the Lansdowne Tavern
- Museum
- Ferris Buellers Day off (yay for my birthday!) …. muchos alcohol to be consumed on this day let me tell you - Sydney Harbour Bridge climb…

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Ok so since the boy is nowhere near a computer probably for the first time in years I’ve been instructed to give a run down of what Adams been up to.

: He arrived safe and sound. His highlight of the flight was the alcohol he consumed on the plane. Mind you he was on an 8:30 a.m. flight. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again he’s an alcoholic.

: The boy was taken shopping and he now has a new wardrobe, I’m going to give him uber-brownie points for being completely open to anything I suggested. Didn’t like dirty denim? Now has two pairs. Didn’t think he could wear gorgeous striped and patterned shirts? Now his favourite. Men’s leather slides? Wears them with everything. Chunky gorgeous men’s watches? Check. Needless to say he looks gorgeous.

: He actually turned his work mobile off for probably the first time in years. And I wish I was lying but he twitched for the first couple of days, physical withdrawal symptoms over your phone not ringing is wrong on so many different levels.

: He’s loving being in Sydney at the moment and it suits him. He’s been dragged willingly to the Art gallery, hung out on Manly Beach with Rachel, gone for afternoon drinks at one of the locals, tried a “Sydney” pub and absolutely loved it and has just generally been soaking up the Sydney sun and atmosphere.

He finally met the Talented Mr Caraxus and as I feared they get along like a house on fire. So much so they have two more dates before he goes home, I predict man babies before the end of the year.

: He’s handling the Sydney traffic like he’s been born and bred on these roads, even if he has a penchant for illegal u-turns at sets of lights.

: Apparently his plan for the holiday though is to save money by not eating properly, sleeping little and then drinking. Needless to say there is muchos tiredness for all but it does make the days seem longer which is a good thing as he’s already halfway through his trip.

: He’s done the SYdney tourist thing and rode the Monorail and had heart palpitations in Centrepoint Tower and rode the ferries and taken lots of photos.

: He’s finding that wearing decent clothes leads to more girls thinking he’s gorgeous. After going out for dinner and drinks with a couple of my friends one of then was decidedly taken with the boy. He’s now convinced it’s the clothes only and not the fact that he’s an entertaining and charming boy. I keep saying if wearing new clothes ups the odds of getting some them just accept that fact and move on.

: Seeing a deliriously tired Adam singing and dancing to Jamelia’s Superstar is probably the most disturbing sight of the trip.

: It’s his birthday Friday and there will be much drinking after we finally go see Ferris Bueller ( I’ll confess I haven’t seen this movie yet, but Adam, Caraxus and others have threatened to stop being friends with me if I don’t see it pronto). So I’m just putting out a warning that the likelihood of drunken phone calls from Adam Friday night is quite high.

: I’m going to miss him like crazy when he goes.

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Thought I’d take it upon myself to write a quick up date, on what I’m not quite sure but I’m sure it’ll come to me…. :o)

Few topics that come to mind….

*What’s with those bloody emails: “if you send this to 100 people in 5 seconds your wish will come true, if you don’t you’ll have bad luck forever.” Those things are crap! If the emails any good I’ll forward it on but delete the crappy little message that’s at the end. Ahhh, it all makes sense - I can blame all my problems on those emails, hehehehe

*Quality v’s quantity, big v’s small…. ;o)

Next…. Ummmm

*Ever read those pick a path / pick an adventure books when you were a kid, where u get to choose which direction you take? I always used to cheat How cool would it be if we could do that in real life! “Nah, I don’t like how this is going I’ll just back track to this point in time…” Or does destiny, fate or what ever you want to call it (if you believe in it) always win?
I love the movie Sliding Doors. It does the whole alternate choices thing but with the same end result… (that is if my memory serves me correctly, I’m shocking when it comes to movies - even ones I love!) Is that what fate is… Whatever’s going to happen will happen? So this then raises the question do the choices we make now really make that much of a difference to the big picture?

*It’s interesting how some people tend to act differently around other people… Is it caused by, or does it have to do with, their comfort levels, insecurities or personality traits & then what certian people consider to be appropriate or inappropriate…?

*Is it truly possible to live in the ‘NOW’?

*Going to the beach to lie in the sun, wanting to get a tan, but putting factor 30+ sunscreen on… Where’s the logic there? That’s me by the way!
Anyway, I got to catch up with a very relaxed Adam on Saturday. Met him and Eve at Manly in the afternoon & lay on the beach for a few hours which was great, gotta love the beach! Yes, even with my factor 30+ sunscreen ;o) Then we did the dinner & drinks thing with one of my f iends at the pub across the road form my place. It was a good night!

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Casey and Matt both indicated that I shouldn’t be sweating the small stuff, and all of my issues are just a matter of small problems which appear to be larger than their individual segments.

They are 100% correct.

However, that doesn’t mean that the weight of some of the issues isn’t bearing down on me at this point (read: i’m whining like crazy just because I have to sort through a few things simultaneously!)…

I am working on it and I understand that more than one person has suffered over this due to my lack of commitment to even get out of bed and that there will be repercussions when I come back to reality. I’m starting to get a good feel for what’s happening inside my head, and I am going to go through the motions, but i’m almost 100% sure that most of them will be resolved by the time of my return.

Exactly what happens on my week away is still unknown to me, but i’m looking forward to finding out and moving on with the next chapter of my life.

—

ed: that doesn’t indicate that anything is going to change, just that … well things are going to change.. for better or for worse i’m really not sure, just call it a feeling inside.

—

For the lovely e-mails and comments that you’ve left, I am very grateful. I also apologise to you as I know that I haven’t even begun to disclose most of what’s going on inside my head. Seemed appropriate for me to work out what I was feeling before I try to articulate it to anyone else.

This trip has been long overdue. I will be switching off my work mobile (all of those who know and love me know my personal mobile number!) and really just taking some time out to chill and consider my next moves both professionally and personally. I know where the next steps are, it’s sometimes difficult to get off my own ass and accept the changes that are coming.

The people that have seen these many changes are probably more in tune with change than the person actually making the changes, and I am, as ever, in awe that they are still around to enjoy the next ’segment’ of my journey.

And Casey, i’m trying not to find any more ‘the one’s’ for quite some time yet! .. look, i’ve gone 6 whole months without anyone, not too bad for an amateur!

Matt: Dude.. travel, go .. be free and then become the lean-mean policeman machine you’ve always wanted to be. And I expect a free ride in your first cop car
—

Talk to you all soon. (and yes, the new design is coming, it’s just a ‘waiting’ process as i’ve decided to pick holidays at exactly the worst moment ever!)

Adam

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Well folks i’m away for anywhere between 11 and 20 days, down to Sydney and then possibly Melbourne or Brisbane.

Not sure how often the blog will be updated but i’m working on the theory that the abundance of Internet cafe’s in Sydney will allow me some refuge to jot down the story as it unfolds.

I’m getting there with the stuff of a couple of days ago, but I do know that this will be a trip of interesting proportions.

Wish me luck!
Adam

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Ok, so I haven’t posted in a while and have no valid excuse. I’m slack get over it.

Well I could probably come up with something to attempt to explain why I haven’t posted in God knows how long.

Been working heaps, not as much as Adam, but then not many people work as much as him. I actually work to live not live to work, he is yet to grasp this concept I think.

If you get bored check out this link. Its pretty cool and will require sound. Its also work safe so thats always good.

[Insert witty comment here] <-- so bored I can't think of anything funny to say

So my female flatmate hasn't run out screaming and never returned. I'm actually surprised that she can put up with myself and my other flatmate. This is probably because she joins in when my other flatmate and I are giving each other shit, or just laughs at us because we are two of the funniest people on the planet, seriously, ask us :). We usually don't give her shit though, just doesn't seem right when someone starts throwing things at you... not that we have given her shit and she started throwing things, but she seems like she might do that and you know.. better not to test the theory. Maybe if I didn't have so much throwable stuff of mine lying around I might test it, but seeing as how most of the loose, throwable and damaging items lying around the house belong to me, I wont.

So I was out shopping the other day for the hell of it.. i'm not usually a fan of shopping, sure I can walk around with a girlfriend and feign interest, but I prefer not to even start. Dan made a fucking profound statement (well probably not that profound as most guys know it to be fact anyway) that when a guy goes shopping he walks in, see’s what he wants and buys it. He doesn’t spend 2 bloody hours walking around umming and ahhing over clothes. Nothing designed for guys makes our asses look big (that special purpose is only designed for womens clothes, or so you would think if you listen to them go on about it).

I’m all posted out..

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I’m eating healthy, i’m swimming 2-3km’s per week (yes, i’m working on making it 5km’s per week, slowly slowly)…

But i’m not losing weight…

In fact, it looks like i’m putting it on….

*grumble*

That is all
Adam

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[note: I've been cutting back on the foul language, but today I *really am* just ranting and raving because i've honestly got no clue why I feel like I do. So..... if you don't mind me swearing like there's no tomorrow, please keep your arms and legs inside the blog at all times and here we go]

[adam mode when he's got no clue why he feels bad]

I wish I wish I wish… I wish I knew what the fuck was going on and why I can’t stand having any contact with anybody for more than 5 minutes without wanting to retreat back to my room.

I haven’t left my apartment in days outside of work (though i’m spending a large amount of time on the premises)… I’m starting to worry incessantly, I haven’t seen the other side of 5 continuous hours of sleep in as long as I can remember. I’ve become careless and reckless, though in reality i’m sheltering myself from some unknown fear or issue.

I’ve got no fucking clue why either…..

I’m shutting people out, and quite frankly I could just stay curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself if only I actually knew what’s going on in my head. I’m terrified of my own shadow and i’m become reckless in my behaviour (thank god i’m not sleeping with anyone, i’d be really in fucking trouble then!)….

note: at least I learnt *one* thing from the last time I got myself into trouble, avoid contact with the opposite sex at all costs!

I’m evasive and non-committal about everything. Even when I do commit I run away at the first possible instance. I break promises and don’t really care though I know i’m just trying to protect myself.

—-

Interlude..

‘Hey, I told you I was feeling sorry for myself, if you’re still here and pissed at me, take your grievances elsewhere… I feel bad, this is my blog, my thoughts, my feelings. Because I don’t know what they represent doesn’t mean i’m not entitled to them!’

*sigh*

—

This is *not* the time to be fucking losing it. I have responsibilities on multiple levels. If I don’t pick my act up really fucking quickly i’ll be sleeping in a gutter for my first three days of holidays i’ve pissed the girl off that much.

Going back to Sydney has unleashed a primal d mon in my. Last time I went down I experienced the most excruciating pain, the most eventful series of events and one moment of freedom that I never expected. It was the culmination of everything in my life and it is the reason why I finally decided to get my shit together once and for all.

I’m opening up a Pandora’s box of vacated memories, embedded happiness and sorrow and a universe of guilt that I can’t seem to wrap my head around. I have a headache that hasn’t left me in days and I feel so sorry for myself i’m finding it difficult to breathe (ed: yep, thanks to ‘as good as it gets’ for that line).

Where is this journey going to take me? I think that’s probably the question that’s running through my head. On one hand I accept my fate and destiny to a certain point, but I crave the control of both my emotions and the emotions of others. If nothing else my last trip to Sydney proved that I am (by no means) in control of what I feel or what others feel.
I’m selfish and I don’t care right now. Actually, I do care i’m just too scared to face up to the reality of situation that’s in front of me.

I don’t want to ruin friendships, I don’t want to face up to my past, I don’t want to know why it hurts, and I don’t want to accept the consequences of my actions, or the emotional turmoil that I might create others.

(ed: Yes, i’m trying to run away. No, i’m not asking for acceptance or sympathy for my actions, merely acceptance that they are my feelings, nothing more and nothing less).
The decisions that we make can enslave us forever. I have been raised to be cautious and cynical of my world and my environment. I never take anything at face value, nor do I trust. My desire to understand is merely a desire to be control of the uncontrollable elements in my world. I am skewed in my capacity to judge, though I judge recklessly and expect others not to. I don’t want to wake up with a head full of regret, nor do I want anyone else to as I (and they) have done so many times before.

The reality never matches the fantasy people. It’s an illussion created by a slip of wrist and by the person who critiques Adam the most, Adam. Subsequently all the sass and attitude in the world has no impact, I have already judged myself far beyond human recognition, and i’m never really happy with what I see.

—

I just want to let go. I want to say what I think and feel but i’m not prepared for the consequences of my actions. I’m running away and I know it.

Seems everybody who’s close to me sees it even more than I do.

[/adam mode when he's got no clue why he feels bad]

…

Adam

(ed: I have done no spelling or grammatical checks on this post… that will come later when i’m out of my dump-mode)

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