incoherently rambling since 2003
New Website design - In Progress
New Web Host - In Progress
New Authors (because the old ones don’t post anymore… *grumble*) - In Progress
New Name - ………
Ok, so aside from ditching all the people who never post here anymore (and Rach is excluded because she’s cute and all!), I need a title for this online vault of incoherent ramblings….
Any ideas?
p.s - Love the phone-sex voice Jessica 
I’m gay…
Yes… secretly folks i’ve been hiding from all of you …. and it was Eve who worked it out after reading my post of American Idol lyrics.
Jasey-Wasey, where are you darrrrling!?!?!
Eve, Adam….
I think this is what everyone is looking for….
YOUR PERFECT MAN/WOMAN: (almost entirely stolen from Eve) Someone whose eyes will light up when I enter a room, who makes me laugh so much it hurts, who will cook with me, someone who will love regardless of what I look like, who will challenge and stimulate me, who will surprise me everyday with a new insight or knowledge, who will be able to sass me and rein me back in when I’m being a imbecile, whose natural fragrance will physically affect me every time I smell her, who I will trust to read my personal diary, and love me for who I am. Someone who will understand my tangents, enjoy the things that I do for her and manage me when I?m being lazy.
And beleive me kids… it exists
*big cheesy grins*
[editors note: yes, i'm officially a sap this week.... back to your regularly sheduled programming soon folks]
Ooooohhh?
Oooohhhh ya
Mmmmm
Love can be a many splendored thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It?ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It?ll fool you every time
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn?t care how fast you fall
And you can?t refuse the call
See you?ve got no say at all
Now I was a once a fool it?s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world?s a deeper blue
I?m sadder but I?m wiser too
I swore I?d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn?t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn?t care how fast you fall
And you can?t refuse the call
See you?ve got no say at all
Every time I turn around
I think I?ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin’ in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
The trouble with love is (the trouble with love)
It can tear you up inside (it can tear you up inside)
Make your heart believe a lie (Make your heart believe a lie)
It’s stronger than your pride
(The trouble with love is) It’s in your heart it’s in your soul
(It doesn’t care how fast you fall) You’re losing all control
(And you can?t refuse the call)
So you?ve got no say at all
The trouble with love is (Oooo?.ya)
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie (the trouble with love..)
Life is an endless cycle of possibilities….
When I fuck something up (and, I’m assuming you’re all of the understanding that i’m talking about girls here) I spend considerable amounts of time and effort trying to apologise for the situation. In reality this comes off to the other party as stalking and soon I go from an awkward and difficult situation to an (unnecessarily) untenable and frightening scenario.
I took some time out after another of these incidents occurred this weekend to understand the nature of how I react when I open myself up and subsequently get rejected.
After all this time considering it, I think that my fear comes across as slightly annoyed/upset/angry and my demeanor gives the vibe of something considerably deeper than disappointment. This resonating causes the other partner to be (essentially) scared. Of course all i’m trying to do is take back everything I said.
Not because I’m scared of what I said, but because I don’t want anybody to know too much about me, don’t want them to understand the part of my nature that is attracted to another human being.
Subsequently the cycle is dangerous for me because instead of just walking away from that individual and leaving them to their peace, I ignore the world at large, fearful and angry that I could have been so stupid as to have opened myself up to even the possibility of failure.
My foolishness drives my consciousness deeper, keeps me more at distance from the world and reinforces my beliefs that imperfections are unacceptable in my own psyche.
…
This is the nature of why I push people so hard, why I erect so many boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex, and am usually attracted to women who don’t fulfill what I like in a woman, there more likely just to be enjoying the attention I have previously given them.
This gives way to me realising that they’re not the perfect person for me (or they’re just not perfect in general), my self-battering begins and I start the rejection process all over again.
…
And to add to all of this, all the women that I meet who are articulate, intelligent, funny and just generally likeable sense an almost instant barrier that I erect, as the concept of knowing somebody that I might actually like drives my self-dobut to untenable heights, and i’m left pushing them away before they even have the opportunity to know me.
…
Editors Note: Contrary to beliefs, this is not mean to be a diatribe of self-hatred or depression, i’m just taking the time in my journey to reflect on my own psyche and to understand my nature more clearly. At this moment in my life, I can’t honestly recall being an ‘overall’ happier person, I just seek some tough answers and I want those who have worked so hard to be in my life, that the person they know wants more than anything to have them around.
Editor’s Second Note: It is *never* my intention or thought to upset or scare another human being. I am (hopefully) a kind and generous soul. My own reflections on my inner conflict when telling somebody that I like them should not be of frigtening concern as i’m just being honest about what I might want to progress. I take my rejection gracefully and immediately. Last thing I need is someone thinking i’m stalking them!
Loving all your work
Adam
Allowing those to get close to you is an experience that i’m still working through. My best friends (Matt and Co.) remain so because they see right through my defenses and just like me for who I am.
When I moved to Bundaberg, I moved to be with a girl and thought the universe of her. As life happens it didn’t work out, but I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing and talented individuals who I now call friends, and who i’m terribly afraid of losing to one opportunity or another.
Most people think I head home at 2 in the morning (it’s usually the same time) because i’m tired/lazy/slack/
…
I was sitting at the pub last night after a particularly good evening (still no alcohol involved) and decided to depart. After sitting at home for about 30 minutes, I realised that I wanted to be out, wanted to spend time with them, I was just afraid of them not being around at some stage.
Overcoming this fear is something that i’m going to continue to work on in the long term, but as with everything, every action requires a starting point, so I pulled my clothes back on and strolled back down until it’s was just us and the owner left at some ungodly hour.
…
There are some dramas in a few peoples’ lives atm, and I send out my love and support to them. You know who you are and if you need anything, you call me ok?
…
So much more I want to say right now, but still cautious of the reader-base. I’ll be back a little later on with an update post, but right now have to cleanup and organise the mass exodus towards my house (and my a/c unit) for a bout out afternoon scrabble and an al fresco lunch on the deck.
Loving all your work
Adam
I’ve been lying in bed thinking about this in great detail for the past hour, here’s a guarantee that it won’t articulate to the written form as well as in my mind.
When it comes to the women in my life, i’m driven inexplicably by arousal, fear, lust and a general myriad of conflicting thoughts which are constantly swirling in my mind, each fighting for precious time in my conscious thoughts, daring me to follow their whims and desires.
I crave and lust after contact, but as soon as it comes within my grasp, I reel away in fear, angst and humiliation as I succumb desperately to the self-doubts which plague my thoughts about my own sexual prowress.
I do understand that fear is a major driver of these emotions. I am fearful of committing, fearful of failure and fearful of rejection if i’m not to match up and subsequently my subconscious indiscriminately massacres my conscious thoughts so badly that any experience with me, after so much hype and innuendo are nothing short of terrible. The partner in question usually stunned to find that the interior by no means matches the exterior, with their bewilderment like a strong perfume. They can’t begin to wonder how they got me so wrong.
TIME STARTED: 13:50
A LITTLE ABOUT ME……
FULL NAME: Adam horatio cornellius Jackson
BIRTHDAY: 27th February, 1978
STAR SIGN: Pisces
AGE: 25
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Eve?s voice bitching at me
LAST THING YOU SAID? ?Of course I?m a Pisces?
WHAT IS SITTING NEXT TO YOU RIGHT NOW? Open space
LAST THING YOU ATE/DRANK? Cordial and Cheese/biscuit combo after donating blood
WHO U WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF UR LIFE WITH? Shit, I can?t decide who I want to spend the evening with!
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON? Anywhere near the ocean. Cocktails at noon, swimming, dining, exploring.
FIRST DAUGHTER’S NAME? Michelle
FIRST SON’S NAME? No idea.
WHO DO YOU ADMIRE? Anyone who?s overcome adversity. Those who care about others.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO? Blog, read, listen to music, spend time with friends and family. Anything to do with watersports or adrenalin.
WHAT DID YOU DO YESTERDAY? Got some long-standing work issues out of the way
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED ON THE PHONE TO? Eve
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? No, I?m grateful to be blessed with good sight.
EYE COLOUR? Hazel
HAIR COLOUR? Brown
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO NOW? Matchbox 20: Disease
YOUR PERFECT MAN/WOMAN: (almost entirely stolen from Eve) Someone whose eyes will light up when I enter a room, who makes me laugh so much it hurts, who will cook with me, someone who will love regardless of what I look like, who will challenge and stimulate me, who will surprise me everyday with a new insight or knowledge, who will be able to sass me and rein me back in when I’m being a imbecile, whose natural fragrance will physically affect me every time I smell her, who I will trust to read my personal diary, and love me for who I am. Someone who will understand my tangents, enjoy the things that I do for her and manage me when I?m being lazy.
WORST THING ABOUT OPPOSITE SEX? When they use sexuality as a weapon.
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? Can I take a raincheck on this question. Yeah I?m getting there. I like myself a lot more lately.
IF U COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE: My ability to overcomplicate things.
SIBLINGS: Brother = 23
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY? Definitely, we fight, we argue but love each other immensely.
HAVE YOU EVER HATED ANY PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY? No.
FAVOURITE VEGETABLE? Don?t know really, don?t really love any of them.
In The Last 24 Hours Have you…
Cried : No.
Bought something : No, but I have a list of items to buy after work.
Gotten sick : Nope.
Sung : all.the.dammed.time - Give me ?cock-rock? and I?m there?
Eaten : Yes, aformentioned stirfry being the high/lowlight
Been kissed : Yes
Done something stupid : hahah, constantly
Wanted to tell someone you loved them : Yes, but in a strange reflective kind of way.
Met someone new : Actually no.
Moved on : Work in progress.
Talked to someone you have a crush on : Don?t think so.
Had a serious talk : Always, they dominate my life.
Argued with your parents : Only because I haven?t seen them in person
Your favourite…
FAST FOOD: Nandos chicken
LOLLY: Anything chocolate-like.
DRINK: Rum and Coke
MOVIE: American Beauty, Jerry Maguire, anything with Bruce Willis or John Cusack
SHOW: Ed
ACTOR: Too many, Kevin Spacey, John Cusack, Gary Oldman, Edward Norton, Nicholas Cage
ACTRESS: Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman
PLACE TO VISIT: Ocean
COLOURS: Blue, Green
JEWELLERY: My tigers-eye earring
SPORTS: Swimming, Rollerblading, Kayaking, Running, JetSkiing, Skydiving
NUMBERS : 3
MONTH: February
SONG: Too many to list
PERFUME/COLOGNE: Calvin Klein : Obsession
SUN OR RAIN? Sun, unless you?re cuddled up with someone in bed
SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES? Mixture of both
GOING TO UNIVERSITY? Been, QUT
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS? Not a clue
HAVE YOU EVER………..
LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? Yes
DRANK ALCOHOL? Dude, is this a serious question?
SMOKED? Nope
TAKEN DRUGS? Nope
BROKEN THE LAW? Yes, been caught? No
BROKEN A BONE? Touch wood, no
CHEATED ON A TEST? Yes, but only in primary school
PLAYED STRIP POKER? Actually no.
PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE? Yes, and been embarassed more than once
FLASHED SOMEONE? Nope.
MOONED SOMEONE Nope.
KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDN’T KNOW? Yes.
BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT? Yes, but again, only in primary school
RODE IN A POLICE CAR? Nope.
BEEN ON A PLANE? Hmmm.. skydiving J
COME CLOSE TO DYING? Thank god no.
BEEN IN A HOT TUB? Grrrr
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT…
SCARS ? Experience
ABORTION ? a)I?m a guy, it?s not my fucking business. B)Yes. Shit does happen, but destroying one (or two or three) lives for it is far far more selfish. (edit: Point b. was a followon to a. - ie- Yes, I agree with the fact that women should be able to get an abortion should they wish.. sorry for any discrepancies)
COUNTRY MUSIC ? Don?t mind Garth.
CLASSICAL ? I love it, any music that can provoke a physical reaction from me can only be a good thing.
SOAP OPERAS ? Blow goats.
AIRPLANES ? Love ?em
AMUSEMENT PARKS ? Love ?em a lot J
YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM ? None.
WORST SONG YOU EVER HEARD ? Any stupid goddamn novelty song.
BST SONG YOU’VE EVER HEARD? Too hard to just name one.
MOST EMBARRASSING TAPE/C.D IN YOUR COLLECTION? It?s all embarassing.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Only if it?s cold enough.
YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? Family and friends.
ARE YOU A……..
VEGETARIAN? Nope.
GOOD AT SPORTS? Team sports, no. Adrenalin, yeah not too bad.
GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS? I?ve been told I can be a charmer at times, I don?t believe it.
DEEP SLEEPER? Like the dead.
GOOD DANCER? Nope, but I?m energetic if that counts J
SHY? People will laugh, but yes.
GOOD STORYTELLER? Nope, I suck.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD……….
CHICKEN POX? Yep, right before Uni exams.
A COLD? Um yeah, who hasn’t.
BLOODY NOSE? Getting back to that hot tub question?
CANCER? No, touch wood.
SURGERY? No.
HOSPITALISED? Nope.
ANYONE BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU? Yes.
DO YOU……
ENJOY PARKS? Love ?em
LIKE PICNICS? Yes, good food, good surrounds, good company. I don’t think life gets better than that.
LIKE SCHOOL? No, but love learning.
COLLECT ANYTHING? Nuggets of useless information.
LIKE TO PARTY? Yes.
GET IN TROUBLE A LOT? Too much of a conscience.
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION DOLLARS? Fuck no.
GO TO A HANSON CONCERT IF YOU HAD A FREE TICKET? A concerts a concert.
HAVE ANYTHING PIERCED? Yes.
HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Would, but only with my best mate.
IF YOU WERE STUCK ON AN ISLAND, WHICH PERSON WOULD YOU WANT WITH YOU? Eve or Matt, would both keep me laughing.
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Puss, Ad?s?.. I don?t know!
WHAT’S YOUR LIFE MOTTO? Go hard.
BONUS QUESTION!!!
IF YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AND IT WOULD HURT THEM IF THEY FOUND OUT, WOULD YOU TELL THEM? Yes. ? well maybe.. depends on the context.
WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Eve
WHAT TIME DID YOU FINISH AT? 15:36
I’ve never made a stir-fry with peas in it ….. well not until last night that is
So i’ve finally got 5 minutes to myself. Turn the stereo on and up (pop …. sappy sappy pop music), and instead of going the standard ‘prep the vegetables lovingly’, i’m looking at the insta-mix veggies there just desperate for me to use.
Now as a side note, we’re in love with the insta-mix vegetables. Now i’m acutely aware that any life, health content or general flavour is demolished once they’re steamed to within an inch of their miserable lives, but they turn a 35 minute stir fry into a 12 minute stir fry….. and I was expecting a call in 20 minutes..
I pour the contents into the wok, suddenly realising that this ‘balanced mix of country vegetables’ is 93% peas, 3% carrots and 4% unknown substances. But I carry on, whip up the feast and devour it in standard boy-food-consumption like way.
Verdict: Not too bad…. not highly recommended, but then it does suffice better than takeaway or corn chips with cheese dip spooned on top.
Call me raccoon-boy…
I had to take some Adam-time last night to really get some sleep and hopefully cook myself a decent stir-fry. The meat for the stir-fry remains in the top of my fridge.
I had a visitor for a short while to catchup on a few things, and then the phone started to ring.
Mostly ok, couple of minutes here and there, and then someone from my past jumped right back into my life in the split of an instant invoking memories I’d long since forgotten.
It’s funny how the impacts of some will last a lifetime and any attempt to explain it to others is just pointless. This was one of those times.
So i’m not trying to be withholding, and it’s well and truly in my past, but it did bring a lot of stuff to the surface that I really haven’t thought of lately. All this ‘taking things as they come’ has really dulled me down from some of the extreme segments of my emotions.
Who knew that I might miss some of that intensity….