reasons why I retract
Life is an endless cycle of possibilities….
When I fuck something up (and, I’m assuming you’re all of the understanding that i’m talking about girls here) I spend considerable amounts of time and effort trying to apologise for the situation. In reality this comes off to the other party as stalking and soon I go from an awkward and difficult situation to an (unnecessarily) untenable and frightening scenario.
I took some time out after another of these incidents occurred this weekend to understand the nature of how I react when I open myself up and subsequently get rejected.
After all this time considering it, I think that my fear comes across as slightly annoyed/upset/angry and my demeanor gives the vibe of something considerably deeper than disappointment. This resonating causes the other partner to be (essentially) scared. Of course all i’m trying to do is take back everything I said.
Not because I’m scared of what I said, but because I don’t want anybody to know too much about me, don’t want them to understand the part of my nature that is attracted to another human being.
Subsequently the cycle is dangerous for me because instead of just walking away from that individual and leaving them to their peace, I ignore the world at large, fearful and angry that I could have been so stupid as to have opened myself up to even the possibility of failure.
My foolishness drives my consciousness deeper, keeps me more at distance from the world and reinforces my beliefs that imperfections are unacceptable in my own psyche.
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This is the nature of why I push people so hard, why I erect so many boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex, and am usually attracted to women who don’t fulfill what I like in a woman, there more likely just to be enjoying the attention I have previously given them.
This gives way to me realising that they’re not the perfect person for me (or they’re just not perfect in general), my self-battering begins and I start the rejection process all over again.
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And to add to all of this, all the women that I meet who are articulate, intelligent, funny and just generally likeable sense an almost instant barrier that I erect, as the concept of knowing somebody that I might actually like drives my self-dobut to untenable heights, and i’m left pushing them away before they even have the opportunity to know me.
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Editors Note: Contrary to beliefs, this is not mean to be a diatribe of self-hatred or depression, i’m just taking the time in my journey to reflect on my own psyche and to understand my nature more clearly. At this moment in my life, I can’t honestly recall being an ‘overall’ happier person, I just seek some tough answers and I want those who have worked so hard to be in my life, that the person they know wants more than anything to have them around.
Editor’s Second Note: It is *never* my intention or thought to upset or scare another human being. I am (hopefully) a kind and generous soul. My own reflections on my inner conflict when telling somebody that I like them should not be of frigtening concern as i’m just being honest about what I might want to progress. I take my rejection gracefully and immediately. Last thing I need is someone thinking i’m stalking them!
Loving all your work
Adam
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