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Sorta depressed, sorta sad, sorta reflective…..
I don’t like that I can’t deal with things quicker than others, and thereby I let people get stuck into me when i’m feeling down. I think I feel I deserve it, like I should cherish the pain because i’m a bad person at heart.

Martydom or just plain fear of self?

Anyhow…. Five for Fighting - Superman lyrics below (hehe, i’ll probably have people visiting ’cause they’ll be looking for the lyrics)….

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Superman by Five for Fighting (pics)
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird …I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd …but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed …but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away …away from me
It’s all right …You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy …or anything …

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

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Adam’s note: I’ve never believe i’m Superman or even something close. I suppose I just want to be human and be able to hurt…..

A

I think you will have to stand in line if you want to kill Adam, Eve.. (Thats pretty messed up, Adam and Eve….) I’ve known him for a bit longer and I think I have dibs on that. That doesn’t mean I want to do him bodily harm, but there are points in time where I’ve come close to it. Mind you, if he happens to piss you right off and leaves you no alternative, then I understand and will not hold it against you.
Ok, enough making Adam feel better about himself.

I have known Adam since Janruary 1990. I met him in high school and have regretted it ever since.. jokes. He’s been a good friend, my best friend if truth be told and even though we’ve fought, we still managed to get past it. Of course, usually its Adam that causes the friction in our friendship, I mean, it couldn’t be me
My first post can’t be a long one as i’m typing to a scheduale here while I build a few PC’s at work, before knock off time in 12 mins.. it seems I’m going to be late, but I suspect it wont kill me.

Doesn’t it….. Through my entire life i’ve always had a definitive contact with music. From sneaking out underage to watch some of our better Brisbane bands, to singing out loud in the car, embarassing yourself but having a great time doing it.

It’s just a part of the spirit.

Of course, I have no voice, no talent and couldn’t hold a note if you paid me, but i’m still glad to be a member of the overall experience of the joy and sadness that it brings to so many.

In respect of this, each and every Friday I bring in a (relatively) eclectic mix of music to work, and play it loud before the calls start coming in. As i’ve missed the last couple of Friday’s (in retrospect to my earlier comment of “each and every Friday”), i’m bringing in my decent stereo, and a truckload of music from early and will be bringing down the call centre.

Bless music, bless musicians
A

Slightly skeptic but eternally hopeful that today is the first day of the rest of my life…..

Today I woke to a seachange in my heart and soul, hopefully this will be the day, hopefully this is the time that I reflect back on in ten years and laugh and realise that coming to Bundaberg was the greatest gift I could give myself…..

Today I appreciate my life, my friends, my family and those that have been a part of that journey. Today I think back fondly on all the ex’s, all the daggy pining over girls never-to-be, and I see the future….

Bullshit, quite possibly, hopeful, certainly.

Crank up the stereo folks, dance like a bastard, be crazy, be insane, love it and live it. This is what it’s all about!

(hehe - here’s hoping I don’t crash tomorrow)

A

That’s my goal for the next few days… lots and lots of cleansing… cleanse my body, cleanse my soul, cleanse my tongue so I stop swearing like a mother-fucking bastard…… (thanks Eve :))….

Some days are easier than others, but today I had a minor breakthrough as my favourite time of the year is approaching in a rapid fashion, Summer….

After having my jetski sitting around gathering dust and costing me shitloads of money, i’m thinking that it’s going to become a regular part of my fabric over the next 6-7 months while I fang around on it, running up a mass ve fuel bill and generally allowing me to get a killer suntan and help me to lose the stomach that i’ve got back after non-stop junk food.

As you can see below, Eve (god love her) is starting to write for my blog, and as promised, I am not exercising editorial control over what’s written. Unfortunately I haven’t heard anything back from the other two people i’ve asked to write, but that’s ok, each to their own.

If i’m not successful in bringing those two people aboard, I will ask a couple of others to join in, I would like to see 3-4 people writing, giving different perspectives and fulfilling a picture of not only my life, but of the lives of those that matter to me.

Other than that i’m feeling a strange mixture of sadness, expectation and breakthrough today, though I’m not sure which emotion relates to which item in my life.
On semi-long-term note i’m looking forward to another trip to sydney (thanks Virgin Blue for some great air fares!) and hanging out with Eve. Best of all, she’s going to take me clothes shopping (yes, I know… gayyyyyyyyyyyy)….

Of course women will never understand this, they intrinsically know how to shop, and some guys know how to shop… Me, I am in neither of those categories. The cool thing about Eve is that I know she’ll a)get me into some funky-stuff clothes that’ll scare the hell out of me and b)she’ll be brutally honest when I dress myself like a wanker
Love it.

A

Ask me today and you’ll get one reason, ask me tomorrow and it will be a completely different answer. It’s a tough question for the simply reason that Adam inspires an intense reaction from people. He either gets under your skin and you don’t mind and you’re comfortable with that, or he gets under your skin and irritates the crap out of you. I’m a member of the former group, I hink.

I met Adam through work, he was setting up a new site for our company in some godforsaken little town. With Sydney being the epicentre of the IT network for our company he called through a lot. He was funny,charming, engaging and easygoing and the friendship was sealed after I was ranting about something or other and finished it with I mean really, he instantly replied with who throws a shoe. It went from an e-mail a day to what it is now which is hours of conversations a day.
He’s an intense little fucker and it can be a serious shock to meet someone quite like him.

I find it hard to even put a definition onto what we have, I could call him a friend, a close friend, one of my best friends (yes you can have more than one honey) or just the boy I have a weird thing with which I can’t describe. I think I’ll stick with the last option. The others don’t seem to encompass what you can share with him.

Unfortunately I’ve known Adam through the recent shit that he’s been going through, there’s been more than once where I’ve felt like saying to him, honey I’m tired and I don’t want to have to deal with all of this anymore. To do would not only hurt him but would probably break my heart. I’m looking forward to knowing the happy and carefree Adam, if he exists of course. I know that I barely know him in some respects and I look forward to him coming down to Sydney and just hanging out with him and getting to know him on a completely relaxed level, that’s what has gotten me through some of the more shitty times.
He has an ability to in one sense completely know, trust and understand someone and to this day I don’t know how he does it. He is wary yet still thinks the very best of someone.

Yet in another sense he wants to completely know and trust someone that when that person turns out to be less than honorable his hurt and bewilderment is quite painful to see. He doesn’t think he does but he’s very open and honest and tends to wear his heart on his sleeve. People have taken advantage of him for these reasons and I’d better not get started on those people for the simple fa t it’s much too early to be swearing like a bastard.

He falls in love easily, quickly and with his all, this gets him into trouble a lot. He tends to dive in head first with no prior thought to the consequences, but when he does he would do anything for that girl. He will however lose interest after a year and break your heart, but they’re his commitment issues and that’s a whole other world of pain. But I will say I am glad that I’m just his friend, it’s a lot less complicated that way.

Adam seems to have figured me out way before I did with him. He knows me and has seen me at my not very best and still likes me. I tell and have told him things that I haven’t told my best friends. That’s kinda scary and makes me vulnerable to him, I’ll continue to do that though because I trust him, I trust him more than I thought was possible. He sees my faults and flaws as integral to what makes me me and it always astounds me that he still wants to hang around. Although he does tell me I have issues every single day, also that I scare him, I can live with that.

I’ve never met a more intense, charming, complicated and exhausting person, it’s a pleasure to know Adam, well except for a few weeks back when I yelled at him,told him I hated him, didn’t want to be his friend anymore and called him the c-word, Which he can be, god love him. I can say though, at the time I meant it and he deserved it. It can be tiring and exhausting having him in your life, he has many more issues than I do and tends to over-analyze and think about things to the extent that you just want to say for fucks sake Adam just do it or don’t do it, just make a freaking decision. He can also complicate a simple friendship on so many levels it’s amazing.

Yet I still talk to him, care for him, love him and worry about him and I will continue to do that until the day i die. He is intensely loyal, he’s understanding to the point of being a saint, he is one of the funniest bastards I know, he gets and understands me to the point of being creepy and I know I’ll know him when we’re old and grey, if I don’t kill him first that is.

Love your work

Eve

3am, tired and cold. Only a very short post of uninteresting information as I really just want to get some sleep.

- Apologised to more people about my behaviour of late. Thank god for parents resilience. I’ve towed that line so many times, it’s become a mantra. Maybe something I should work on.

- Finally went through my inbox and replied to all but one e-mail (e-mail to Kylie which is long and deserves a decent reply, plus mentally I need to put a lot of effort in)

- Sent an e-mail out to some people in my world asking if they’ll blog for me. One positive response so far, so I will post her content tomorrow (*yay* hehe)

- Hope the other two will say yes
- Don’t eat pasta from a container at three in the morning, fucks with your breath
- Also keeps you awake for some reason……

A friend of mine, (well, acquaintance, but very cool person) put herself out there again tonight and had coffee with “a guy”. I’m so proud of her, and happy that she’s just taking the dating thing for exactly that… dating….

I dug up one of my old e-mails from this girl, and got the biggest mental head slap in history….. here’s a quote from the e-mail….

“I just want a guy who’s not so psycho that he’s as keen as mustard, and isn’t talking marriage on the 1st date”

Keen as mustard, maybe I should try not meeting the criteria for a bad dating experience hey?? And don’t fall in love whatever you do, bad for your health
Adam

I just met a lovely person on the plane flying home, Stephanie. Nice person, good perspective on life and wore this fantastic top with Japanese-inspired styles.

Considerably out of my league (btw, I’m wearing my diving t-shirt and a pair of jeans, bad breath and a whole world of self pity :))

Sadness is still the theme I’m afraid, but I’m going to try to quantify my experiences, not dribble through them and hopefully gain some perspective on where it takes me.

Missed out on socialising with my work colleague this weekend (unfortunately), but other endeavours out of my control became a part of the fabric of my weekend. Did however get to meet some friends of Matt’s (Pete and Jen), who are lively, funny and totally in love with each other (or possibly I just notice it more when i’m not attached).

Went to the festival of the beers yesterday, and as much as the three of us were committed to making something of it, it really just fizzled out. Beer was exotic but mostly awful, company was good but we’re all at different stages, all searching for our own things, and the interesting people left long before we were drunk enough to make any impact.

So i’m back home, and about to get changed, head back to work and try to make a concerted effort at achieving what work has been piling up on my desk for the past few weeks. I’m hoping to speak to my boss and get some positive feedback about the possibility of Melbourne, so everyone cross fingers and toes for me, and soon I’ll be jetsetting again.

Through all of this i’m looking to reduce complexity, but have only succeeded in making a life that’s disconnected from reality, and disconnected from what I care about, in favour of social acceptance and singular sorrow.

So I suppose the question, i’m here, but am I really here????……

Adam

So here I am, 9pm on a weeknight, pissed out of my skull (for those who are curious, plenty of pre-mix rum from cans will do the trick), and not overly proud of my situation.

I just finished penning and e-mail to friends and loved ones to ask them to write in my little part of the universe. With everything that’s happening in my life, i’m not now sure if it’s to increase the level of self-pity I feel, or a genuine calling for something better in my life.

As my best friend would say “What do you do with a drunk sailor”… .. I suppose that’s the question now isn’t it?

I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew why it hurts so much when I think about my activities of the past few weeks. I wish I knew why i’m commitment phobic (well, I have a pretty good answer for that). I wish I knew why i’m like my father (always need something to be wrong in my life), and why I can’t change, even though I think I want to. I wish that it was easy and I was married and happy and didn’t think so much. I wish I knew why (for only the second time in my life) I got my heart broken so easily and so quickly by someone who I thought cared for me.

I wonder why my best friend still talks to me, even though i’ve been an appalling human being, and I can’t bare to think of the arsehole of a person i’ve been to him over the years (though i’m so fucking grateful he’s still around, and i’m truly blessed for that). I wonder why a girl I know, who cares for me deeply, continues to be there for me, even after how badly I treated her. (but once again, i’m so grateful she’s still there for me.. even now).

I don’t want to complain, (though, ironically, i’m writing a complaining blog about myself, complaining about the fact that i’m complaining!!!!!)… no, fuck that… I just want to be happy in my universe. I want to go back to last weekend where for the first time in my natural life, I didn’t think about shit. I actually didn’t think, it didn’t consume me.

Only Matt will know this, only he will understand, but i’m going to share it with you. I listened to INXS for the first time since Mrs L********* (ed: Last name removed due to privacy concerns) (I still can’t call her Heather) died. She was my second Mum, and I miss her so badly at times that it hurts. She loved INXS, loved her Rum, loved her smokes, and adored her kids. She took me under er wing and drove us all mad with her constant chatter, and we loved her for it.
I listened to INXS and I sang, I sang out loud and in the car and with someone I was in love with. I sang because I didn’t think about it and it didn’t hurt to think about her.

After 9 years, 9 years of not knowing why it hurt all the time, I realised what I wrote in my last post. I viewed the world though commitment-phobic eyes, and believe in my heart that a)I didn’t have a fear of commitment and b)The people closest to me weren’t fearful of commitment.

- My best friend is not afraid of commitment, though i’ve always believed it. I am.
- I have a friend who hates commitment, but knows it, and is content.
- I spent significant resources to show her this, but she already knew, whereas I, great person that I am, didn’t even see it.

I don’t hate myself, I just want to be miserable. And you know the worst thing about it is, is that I don’t know how to get myself out of the pattern. How do you convince somebody that wants to be miserable that you don’t really want to be miserable. Talk about a losing battle.

I want to go to Sydney, I want to get away. Maybe I want to go to Melbourne and try my luck there… maybe i’ll be happy, maybe I won’t.

My trip in Brisbane has started fantastically. My colleague is intelligent and has opened up, even after a few hours. He is not perfect (nor is anyone), but he is happy (as far as I can see), and I am truly jealous of that.

I want to sleep, but can’t stop writing. I want to sleep because I don’t want to think anymore, and I don’t want to hurt anymore, but i’m here, writing to you all. I am going to try to be committed to this blog (i’ve tried 4 times now without success). I’m going to try to leave the design alone and keep it constant, hopefully make it a true perspective on myself (with the help of those that see me as I am, not as I see myself).

The festival of the beers is on this weekend (one more excuse to drown my sorrows!)… I have wanted to go for many years, but have never made it there. This Sunday, i’ll make an appearance. I’m going to drink beer and be merry. I’m going to make drunk phone calls from my mobile and try to enjoy the happy moments in my life.

I want to talk about this girl so much, I want to tell you that it’s worth fighting for… I want to tell you i’ve seen what it’s like on the other side, but who I am to judge.
Someone came into my life, and I adored her, feel head over heels for her (at the time I thought it was love) and she pushed me away. I was devastated. I cried, I yearned, I pined and generally was a pitiful human being for months until the pain passed. I don’t know if she was a diversionary tactic from the fact that I got dumped (deservedly), or if I truly had a connection with her. We’re now friends and she’s now OS and I think she’s great.

Maybe that’s how I’ll look back on this girl, maybe it will just be a thing, and i’ll laugh at how crazy I was, or maybe i’ll just look back and wish that it could be that good, for she, like every other girl i’ve known and let get close, has raised the bar to a very high level.
I now want a girl who’s perfect for me (not perfect, just perfect for me). She needs to have a great sense of humour, be intelligent, funny and unassuming. …………………. I was just going to write the criteria for the perfect girl and I just realised that it’s probably all bullshit, that i’ll wake up one day, meet the girl of my dreams and she’ll be everything I never knew I always wanted (hell, she’ll realise that the line I just spewed out is a corny line from a “Fools Rush In”…. rather ironc hey :))

Fuck it, this is my blog, i’m going to keep writing, I’m going to officially speak crap and put it out there. I’m not doing this for anyone but myself (what a load of crap, we all do it for recognition or i’d keep a diary!)…….
I want people to give me perspective, I want them to tear me to shreds and tell me how it really is….. I want them to hate the girl I fell in love with an set me straight.
I don’t even know what I want……

It’s 21:25 (working at McDonald’s for 7 years, fucks up your use of a 12-hour clock forever) :), i’m out of here… I think….. We’ll see how it all goes, if I don’t sleep, I might be back, if not, hopefully, I’ll have another post tomorrow night.

Love your work
A

I learnt something about myself yesterday that has made me re-evaluate everything I knew about my world, and it’s hard just to think about it, let alone to actually say it and admit it.

I’m commitment phobic.

Now, for (just about) any other male on the planet, under the age of dead, this doesn’t seem to be resonating any major discrepancies, so why such the concern for me.

I didn’t (hell, I still don’t) think I had commitment issues.

I can see it now, I can see when I turned away and internally promised myself that I would never go back to that place, never again let anyone get close enough to really know who I was.
I won’t tell the story of the who’s and when’s, that’s my life and some journeys aren’t meant to be blogged. For me, I know already that I whine too much, talk to much and over-dramatise better than any of my female counterparts, so I will leave it be.

But I do know that I have to do something about it, and I do know that I haven’t been the best friend, relative, or lover to the people who are most important in my life, and until yesterday I never really understood what that pain was in the bottom of my chest (besides indigestion of course).

August 17, 2002 was the last time I cried. I told myself that was it, enough of this emotional crap, enough being upset, I was just going to get over it, get on with it and come out on top.

If only it was that easy.

Now, the important question is, what do I do?

After all these years, and endless apologies for who I am and the kind of person I’d become, I feel that they will be almost pointless and without worth.

So I’m going to try to be a better person. Not for everyone else, but for me.

As alcoholics are known to say, I had a moment of clarity (line unceremoniously ripped from a favored film of mine from a long time ago: Pulp Fiction) over the weekend, and it came when someone saw my soul, and I’ve never been so scared in my entire life.

Neither they nor I expected it, and it has happened and passed now, but I can never go back to the life I was without the knowledge that’s in my heart.