So to jump right on in the deep end – an extract of the email I wrote today to a work colleague and friend.
(more to come, promise)
Thank you good sir – paperwork is now on it’s way.
We’re settling in well – my days are filled with grocery shopping, cooking and dealing with government departments – I am literally living the dream
Christine is doing ok with the new job, needs to settle in to culture and different management style – however we knew that all along.
Government is making things challenging – mismatch of Christine’s middle name on her visa is delaying her Social Security number application. No social security number = no apartment to rent, no credit, no loan for car, no nothing …. so that’s nice. However we can’t say in good faith that we didn’t know that was going to be an issue – particularly as CA is broke and therefore services have been cut to the bone.
Overall for all the differences California is remarkably similar to Sydney/AU in terms of consumer laws and protection so not feeling overwhelmed at this point.
Off to SF for a weekends exploring and just not to think about paperwork and settling in for two days.
Also nabbed myself custom fitted ski boots yesterday from Berkeley – they be nice
Talk soon my friend – oh and just to let you know that our seasons passes just added another ski resort in Utah – Park City …. one more reason (and one of the best 5 ski resorts in the continental US) to come visit my friend …. skiing starts in December
p.s – wow, i expected to write two lines as a reply, apparently I had something to say ….. how unusual of me …….
This is both a letter to my wife and my final blog post …
Isn’t it strange how the passing of time changes people and gives them opportunity to reflect on both who they have become, where they want to be and (for me as i’m sure with others) the mistakes they have made.
That has been the purpose of this blog for the last number of years.
I have made many mistakes in my life, and all of these I reflect back on now I realise that they *are* the journey, and for many parts that journey has been covered within these pages, albeit with enough of a cloak that only those who know me personally would understand everything i’m writing about.
Importantly, all of my mistakes and mishaps have led me to here, let me to this moment, lead me to you.
THey have lead me to the day when I write this to you, and to the people reading this blog, to share with them both of the new direction my life is taking and how this will be my last public post. It has brought me to this time and space in 2009 when I finally, truly realise that I can be happy, want to be happy and importantly have the capacity to be happy.
It has bought me to you.
And therefore, after a long time of not posting here I am starting to realise why. I don’t need to write about my life in this forum anymore, and the new forum of my life sits with you my darling girl, and therefore as much as I will miss this, I realise that it’s not the place I need to be writing anymore.
Does that make me sad (to a degree), absolutely.
I am moving on from a part of my life that has been a part of my life for so long I can’t remember not having it. This blog was started so many years ago, back when I was at my first IT job, back when I was filled with hope and promise and I gingerly tried to find my place in the world.
And look where I am now.
My darling girl, you are big part of that journey. For helping me to see the beauty in people, for teasing out my cynicism and fear and for opening my eyes to the world around me I can never thank you enough. This journey has not been easy for me, I have made mistakes, and I know that I will continue to make more in the future, but I know that you are there for me and I will be there for you, no matter what.
And so today’s post is making me realise what life is all about. It is about joy, it is about happiness and it is about opportune moments to reflect on what’s important ….. and what’s important to me is you.
I am not perfect, I never will be, but i’m getting there …… and so to you, and to all the people who have read here over the past years, for those that have encouraged, challenged, cajoled, hugged, cried and suffered with me, I say thankyou.
You have all been a part of the journey.
So to those of you who have read this blog, I thankyou for sharing the journey with me. You have hopefully had the opportunity to see me start with very little and achieving not a great deal, to growing into becoming a man and making my life.
And to you my darling girl, Merry Christmas, I hope this is the first of many more to come and I can’t wait to see where the journey takes us next.
I love you
… that is all ….
Need I say more …. I think it fits my OCD’ish personality … 160 characters and post all the damn time … perfect
In fact, I think I might twitter about this now
On the bright side, the next 4 weeks will be telling times for all of us, and i’ll be sure to be posting here with some pretty important news … just not sure which way it’s going to go right now …
I am both sad and happy today.
Oh yes, i’m now on Twitter
I suppose the title says it all really. Today it was the SMH Sydney Half Marathon , attempt #6 and another successful one at that.
Starting off at the briskly time @ 7:30am, we (Hools, Lucy and myself) started on a good pace however this time around I was not feeling the 100% mentally that I usually feel, but more on that later.
Kilometres 1 through 5 went relatively well, though these are what most runners know as the hardest of km’s. This is the time when your legs aren’t quite firing on all cyclinders and your brain is telling you that ‘you really don’t need to be out here at this time in the morning, just quit now and go back to bed!’ …. and I promise you every time i’ve run these things i’ve seriously considered it.
Kilometres 5 through 10 is where things started to get rough for me.
….But before I get into that I want to provide short set of history on how I got to feeling dehydrated. Over the past 4 months, our personal trainer has been providing advice and support on food, nutrition when running, dealing with psychological barriers and how to keep your body in one piece to see another marathon on another day.
So today, instead of having a Gu (energy food in liquid form, once you get used to the taste they’re quite good!) before I started the race along with a decent drink of water before I go to bed and before I get up, I listed to the PT and did neither of these.
…. and that gets us back to kilometres 8 through 10 … I was becoming dehydrated ….. and that’s not a good thing to be doing less than 1 hour into a 2 hour run.
By the time we clocked the 7 kilometre mark, Hools (poor thing) was starting to suffer with a sore knee and a body that just wasn’t coping with strain of having it pounded with hard bitumen for kilometre after kilometre. And so at that stage, Lucy and I broke away (after a quick debrief with the fiance!) and that’s actually where things started to go wrong. My body was firing on all cylinders, but the brain was feeling it has has never felt at the halfway mark, it was emotionally drained, finding it difficult to concentrate and completely lacking in motivation.
And once you’re dehydrated, there’s absolutely no going back.
Kilometres 10 through 15 turned bad for me as around km 11 Lucy started to break away from me and psychologically I couldn’t make myself keep the pace that was required to stay with her. Of course once she disappeared around a corner, my spirits started to plummet and things started to head bad….. I actually walked for a total of 5 minutes over this break…… sad …… (that’s never happened before!)
Kilometres 15 through 21 were painful as this track is a dual-loop (a format that i *hate*) and I now knew how far we had left.
The only shining light in this was that The Picture magazine had a model who was getting her (very impressive) rack out for mini-lap-dances and taking photos for an upcoming shoot in the magazine. While I was completely shocked with this it still gave me a bit of a smile (it was @ km 20, so close to the finish!) and I pushed on until I rounded the last couple of loops and onto the finish line.
I believe my time will run in at about 2 hours 9 minutes, and while that doesn’t seem like a great deal off 2 hours 6 minutes, it is a damn sight shy of 2hrs and 54 seconds that we ran 2 years ago.
My hope for today was around 2 hours 3 minutes – 2 hours 6 minutes so that I could trim down to sub-2-hours when we hit the Gold Coast half marathon in July (it’s an all-flat course so you probably save 3-4 minutes just from that in itself), alas it wasn’t to be.
As for Hools, she struggled and did some pretty serious damage to her knee which will require a few days of compression, ice and TLC from our chiropractor.
However, this is part of our bodies getting older, and while we choose this sport we need to accept the consequences.
c’est la vie!
I registered a new domain for myself, and started a new blog….
(and no, i’m not telling *anyone* about it).
I realise now that in some ways I made a grave error when I first registered this site. I told people about it.
And by doing that, all the great benefits of anonymity went flying out the window, leaving me in a position where to get the things off my chest that are really going on would be to compromise myself in ways that were both not in my best interest, but more importantly could and would be perceived by others as something completely outside of my ‘real’ reality.
And almost certainly hurt people unnecessarily. And that’s just not cool.
(i’m not sure if that makes sense)
So i’ve done the best thing I can do, i’ve registered a new space and i’m not telling anyone about it.
And now that I have ….. i’ve started to write again …… and I realised how absolutely and utterly delightful it is to just write what I feel and not have the repurcussions other than to get it out of my crazy headspace, turn it into a pseudo-reality and then from there … discard it as exactly that, the crazy and incoherent ramblings of someone who’s just human, who has learnt to deal with most of his limitations but still fucks it up sometimes and somebody who’s not the bad guy, just needs to have his own headspace once in a while.
It feels good to write and only be accountable to myself, and by writing about all the craziness, i’m freed from it.
And the best thing is that all the people I love and care about won’t have to deal with me (so much) when I decide to have an unnecessarily selfish and crazy bout of self-doubt, self-destruction and self-loathing.
And i’m already starting to feel better about it.
So from here on out i’m going to try to write more about my life, try to use facebook less and write about the things that are good, that are interesting, that are hard and that are what I work for.
And i’m going to keep the insanity to someone where only I can find.
Hope you still drop back here from time to time to read about my ‘normal’ life.