This will be my final blog post ….

December 25th, 2009

This is both a letter to my wife and my final blog post …

Isn’t it strange how the passing of time changes people and gives them opportunity to reflect on both who they have become, where they want to be and (for me as i’m sure with others) the mistakes they have made.

That has been the purpose of this blog for the last number of years.

I have made many mistakes in my life, and all of these I reflect back on now I realise that they *are* the journey, and for many parts that journey has been covered within these pages, albeit with enough of a cloak that only those who know me personally would understand everything i’m writing about.

Importantly, all of my mistakes and mishaps have led me to here, let me to this moment, lead me to you.

THey have lead me to the day when I write this to you, and to the people reading this blog, to share with them both of the new direction my life is taking and how this will be my last public post.  It has brought me to this time and space in 2009 when I finally, truly realise that I can be happy, want to be happy and importantly have the capacity to be happy.

It has bought me to you.

And therefore, after a long time of not posting here I am starting to realise why.  I don’t need to write about my life in this forum anymore, and the new forum of my life sits with you my darling girl, and therefore as much as I will miss this, I realise that it’s not the place I need to be writing anymore.

Does that make me sad (to a degree), absolutely.

I am moving on from a part of my life that has been a part of my life for so long I can’t remember not having it.  This blog was started so many years ago, back when I was at my first IT job, back when I was filled with hope and promise and I gingerly tried to find my place in the world.

And look where I am now.

My darling girl, you are big part of that journey.  For helping me to see the beauty in people, for teasing out my cynicism and fear and for opening my eyes to the world around me I can never thank you enough.  This journey has not been easy for me, I have made mistakes, and I know that I will continue to make more in the future, but I know that you are there for me and I will be there for you, no matter what.

And so today’s post is making me realise what life is all about.  It is about joy, it is about happiness and it is about opportune moments to reflect on what’s important ….. and what’s important to me is you.

I am not perfect, I never will be, but i’m getting there …… and so to you, and to all the people who have read here over the past years, for those that have encouraged, challenged, cajoled, hugged, cried and suffered with me, I say thankyou.

You have all been a part of the journey.

So to those of you who have read this blog, I thankyou for sharing the journey with me.  You have hopefully had the opportunity to see me start with very little and achieving not a great deal, to growing into becoming a man and making my life.

And to you my darling girl, Merry Christmas, I hope this is the first of many more to come and I can’t wait to see where the journey takes us next.

I love you


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November 21st, 2009

… that is all ….

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Twitter …. seriously addictive

July 22nd, 2009

Need I say more …. I think it fits my OCD’ish personality … 160 characters and post all the damn time … perfect :)

In fact, I think I might twitter about this now :)

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If only I could share how complicated it’s getting

July 22nd, 2009

On the bright side, the next 4 weeks will be telling times for all of us, and i’ll be sure to be posting here with some pretty important news … just not sure which way it’s going to go right now …


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July 10th, 2009

I am both sad and happy today.


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Another medium I won’t be using…

June 27th, 2009

Oh yes, i’m now on Twitter :)


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Another day, another half marathon completed

May 17th, 2009

I suppose the title says it all really.  Today it was the SMH Sydney Half Marathon , attempt #6 and another successful one at that.

Starting off at the briskly time @ 7:30am, we (Hools, Lucy and myself) started on a good pace however this time around I was not feeling the 100% mentally that I usually feel, but more on that later.

Kilometres 1 through 5 went relatively well, though these are what most runners know as the hardest of km’s.  This is the time when your legs aren’t quite firing on all cyclinders and your brain is telling you that ‘you really don’t need to be out here at this time in the morning, just quit now and go back to bed!’ …. and I promise you every time i’ve run these things i’ve seriously considered it.

Kilometres 5 through 10 is where things started to get rough for me.  

….But before I get into that I want to provide short set of history on how I got to feeling dehydrated.  Over the past 4 months, our personal trainer has been providing advice and support on food, nutrition when running, dealing with psychological barriers and how to keep your body in one piece to see another marathon on another day.

So today, instead of having a Gu (energy food in liquid form, once you get used to the taste they’re quite good!) before I started the race along with a decent drink of water before I go to bed and before I get up, I listed to the PT and did neither of these.

…. and that gets us back to kilometres 8 through 10 … I was becoming dehydrated ….. and that’s not a good thing to be doing less than 1 hour into a 2 hour run.

By the time we clocked the 7 kilometre mark, Hools (poor thing) was starting to suffer with a sore knee and a body that just wasn’t coping with strain of having it pounded with hard bitumen for kilometre after kilometre.  And so at that stage, Lucy and I broke away (after a quick debrief with the fiance!) and that’s actually where things started to go wrong.  My body was firing on all cylinders, but the brain was feeling it has has never felt at the halfway mark, it was emotionally drained, finding it difficult to concentrate and completely lacking in motivation.

And once you’re dehydrated, there’s absolutely no going back.

Kilometres 10 through 15 turned bad for me as around km 11 Lucy started to break away from me and psychologically I couldn’t make myself keep the pace that was required to stay with her.  Of course once she disappeared around a corner, my spirits started to plummet and things started to head bad….. I actually walked for a total of 5 minutes over this break…… sad …… (that’s never happened before!)

Kilometres 15 through 21 were painful as this track is a dual-loop (a format that i *hate*) and I now knew how far we had left.

The only shining light in this was that The Picture magazine had a model who was getting her (very impressive) rack out for mini-lap-dances and taking photos for an upcoming shoot in the magazine.  While I was completely shocked with this it still gave me a bit of a smile (it was @ km 20, so close to the finish!) and I pushed on until I rounded the last couple of loops and onto the finish line.

I believe my time will run in at about 2 hours 9 minutes, and while that doesn’t seem like a great deal off 2 hours 6 minutes, it is a damn sight shy of 2hrs and 54 seconds that we ran 2 years ago.

My hope for today was around 2 hours 3 minutes – 2 hours 6 minutes so that I could trim down to sub-2-hours when we hit the Gold Coast half marathon in July (it’s an all-flat course so you probably save 3-4 minutes just from that in itself), alas it wasn’t to be.

As for Hools, she struggled and did some pretty serious damage to her knee which will require a few days of compression, ice and TLC from our chiropractor.

However, this is part of our bodies getting older, and while we choose this sport we need to accept the consequences.

c’est la vie!


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I did something tonight that I should have done a long time ago…

May 10th, 2009

I registered a new domain for myself, and started a new blog….

(and no, i’m not telling *anyone* about it).

I realise now that in some ways I made a grave error when I first registered this site. I told people about it.

And by doing that, all the great benefits of anonymity went flying out the window, leaving me in a position where to get the things off my chest that are really going on would be to compromise myself in ways that were both not in my best interest, but more importantly could and would be perceived by others as something completely outside of my ‘real’ reality.

And almost certainly hurt people unnecessarily.  And that’s just not cool.

(i’m not sure if that makes sense)

So i’ve done the best thing I can do, i’ve registered a new space and i’m not telling anyone about it.

And now that I have ….. i’ve started to write again …… and I realised how absolutely and utterly delightful it is to just write what I feel and not have the repurcussions other than to get it out of my crazy headspace, turn it into a pseudo-reality and then from there … discard it as exactly that, the crazy and incoherent ramblings of someone who’s just human, who has learnt to deal with most of his limitations but still fucks it up sometimes and somebody who’s not the bad guy, just needs to have his own headspace once in a while.

It feels good to write and only be accountable to myself, and by writing about all the craziness, i’m freed from it.

And the best thing is that all the people I love and care about won’t have to deal with me (so much) when I decide to have an unnecessarily selfish and crazy bout of self-doubt, self-destruction and self-loathing.

And i’m already starting to feel better about it.

So from here on out i’m going to try to write more about my life, try to use facebook less and write about the things that are good, that are interesting, that are hard and that are what I work for.

And i’m going to keep the insanity to someone where only I can find.

Hope you still drop back here from time to time to read about my ‘normal’ life.


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You know you’re really getting married when …

April 23rd, 2009

You go into the jewellers and get your wedding band designed.

And then it all hit me ……

While I can’t wait to be hitched, i’m actually i’m happy that i’m scared about it. Means i’m going to make the commitment with all my heart and soul.


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April 5th, 2009

In Bullet Points:

  • It’s hot… very hot (why do I keep forgetting this each time I go to SE Asia?)
  • I bought muchos clothes… muchos…
  • Things are cheap over there.. deceptively cheap…
  • I got Hools on her first ever ride on a motorcycle (well, scooter)…. she’s now in love with two wheels.
  • That’s one more reason why i’ll be marrying her later on this year.
  • We surfed, paddled, ski-ed, swam, white-water rafted, hike, sight-see’d (?),  fed wild monkeys, avoided malaria, lounged by the pool (with built-in bar and endless cocktails.. hmmm, cocktails), drank 8,000,000 long-island-iced-teas, purchased near on 500 DVD’s (serious).

…. and generally lived the life of someone who has afforded themselves the opportunity to relax.

Still, glad to be coming home, I miss the insanity of my normal life …. I think … :)


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